Father's Day

Father's day is always very bitter sweet for me.
The sweet....I have my Poppy...he's my "father".  I grew up with him and he's never let me down. Life wouldn't be the same without him. He's there for me through everything. He's been my dad, my friend, my boss, and even my bank.  They say little girls love their daddies....well this little girl loves her Poppy more than she can ever put into words.  I talk to him all the time, and it seems that I may even have created some jealousy from my grandmother! 

The bitter....the sperm donor.
My "real" father has basically given me some dimples. That's his contribution to my life.  I didn't meet him until I was an early teenager.  His role in my life is so insignificant that I can't even remember how old I actually was.  Maybe 11 or 12 or 13?   First meeting, he calls me up and says he's in town and wants to me.  Shocked the hell out of me, but we said ok and he came out to our house.  It didn't take me very long to realize that he was more concerned about telling me how awesome he was than he was interested in me.  Maybe he's just nervous?  Meeting #2, coffee shop, again he's all about himself.  Now I'm getting pissed.  Wouldn't you want to know all about me?!    Meeting #3, he calls me and wants to go get drunk with me and my friends (I'm still 13).  Hmmm, uh, no thanks!!  Meeting #4.....phone call from the hospital, "can you come visit me, I'm on the third floor (psychiatric floor)".  Ok...I'm not really sure why, but off I went to visit "Dad". I found wall to wall drawings of crazy creatures/monsters.  He was rambling about being spied on, and talking about the government wanting to get him.  Finally, someone spills the beans...."Your father is bipolar".  Ah, geez.  Same ol' cycle now for 15-16 more years, except by this point I've refused to talk to him, and when I'm fortunate enough to run into him I'm told how horrible of a daughter I am.  It's really hard to find cards that say "From the Worst Daughter EVER on Father's Day".  So I give up. His loss not mine.

Bitterness part two....Step"Father". My mom got married when I was 12. Stepdad and I did not get along AT ALL!!!!!!!  It started off great, and then overnight he turned into a drill sergeant.  And what does a teenager do when confronted with such strict rules?!? REBEL.  Now, looking back the rules weren't super crazy, but my mom was very lenient so it felt like I was being caged like an animal.  Literally went from a non-existent curfew (just call me when you need a ride)....to home, in bed, no TV by 8pm.  Uhmmm....me no likey that!!!  A few HUGE fights, and some criminal charges later...I spent four months in a juvenile hall and "straightened up". Things didn't get better over night, but there were definitely alot of good times.  A few years later, I end up pregnant and kicked out of my house (best thing for me ever!! SERIOUSLY!). I may have been pissed at first, but it really was a matter of weeks before I knew this was a really good thing.  Life moves on, people grow up, and we're getting along better than ever. I move to a different province so we really only see each other maybe 6 times a year.  But there's lots of phone calls and they are always great. Holidays, birthdays, special occasions. Camping, woodworking, and even a few OMG moments when he's high as a kite from surgery (Hey Wendy...wanna see my scar?!.....resulting in my own scars as I can now tell you exactly what my step-dad's penis looks like!!)  Anyway, fast forward to two years ago, it seems like out of the blue he says he wants a divorce.  Ok, not sure where that came from but accept it and move on....until....wait a minute...am I getting blamed for my parents divorce?!?! YES I AM! Turns out Step-dad just can't get over all the drama we went through TWELVE years ago!!  It would have been nice to know that before all hell broke loose, but ok?

SERIOUSLY???  I haven't lived at home for 13 years, I see him a half-dozen times a year....and somehow this is MY fault?! Ok "DAD".  I was even a "big-girl" and talked thought it with him, and apologized for my "part". I thought we were on the road back to our father-daughter relationship. We ended with both of us wanting to keep in touch and I love you's and.........that was last June, on Father's day.

It's been a very sad year for me. I lost my "dad" or at least one of the closest things to having a dad.  It hasn't been the same.  I can only imagine what it must feel like for a small child to go through this.  This was my family.  Ripped apart because two grown-ass adults couldn't communicate with each other.  I know this isn't my fault...but it doesn't make you feel good when you do get blamed for it.

But the sweet far outweighs the bitter in my life. My grandfather is there no matter what and that is all that matters.  Who need a father when you have the best grandfather in the world? 

Xoxo. I still loves ya.

Wendy