Drugs?! What Drugs???

1 Surgery
Tonsillectomy & UPPP
10+ Days Recovery
Liquid Narcotics
72 Tylenol pills
Antibiotics
Ice packs
Me
A Camera
&
Boredom

Here you go...

  
   

That Girl

For most of my life I've never been able to properly vocalize my thoughts or my feelings. As a teenager is came out in pure rage (sorry Mom).  As a young adult, it was often a complete mental shut down. Denial? Inability to just deal? The lack of knowing how to actually spit out the words that bounced around in my head?!

I'm the girl that lets the jerk cut in front of me in the grocery line because maybe he just didn't mean to. I'm the girl who never asks for the change back if a waitress doesn't offer it. I'm the girl who doesn't speak up in meetings because I know nobody gives a shit what I have to say. I'm the girl who knows her husband is lying to her everyday but still stays for a miserable ten years. I'm the girl who has daddy issues but still struggles to realize it's not MY fault. I'm the girl who lets her 'friends' walk all over her. I'm the girl who just shuts her mouth and takes it. And I'm the girl who has anxiety about all of the above.

I am that girl.
I am that girl.
I am that girl.

I used to be that girl...
I am not that girl...
I am not that girl...
I am not that girl...

I am the girl who says "Excuse me sir, I was here first". I am the girl who doesn't care any more that it's just $1.00...bitch, give me my money. I am the girl who runs the meeting like a pimp. I'm the girl who left because I knew I deserved better. I am the girl who's getting better at realizing it really isn't MY fault. I am the girl, who without the need to explain or justify, has cut you right out of my life because you know exactly what you did and it stung my soul.

I am the girl who is finding her way.
I am that girl...

Waiting for Perfection

It's not uncommon to find me sitting on the floor in a pile of books in the middle of the self-help section at Chapters. That place is my temple. My safe haven. My glorious happy place.  I'm always on the hunt for that one book that will change my life forever.

I just read...actually, devoured "Let the Elephants RUN" by David Usher.

And, sweet baby elephants on fire...I'm positive he wrote it just for me.

"Stop looking at creativity as the lottery 

that someone else won at birth" ~ David Usher

Everyone with even an ounce of doubt in themselves should read this book.

That's all...

Walk The Line

Do you know how much it sucks to post about your private life, only to have it completely implode on you within days/weeks/months of your post.  There's this fine line of trying to decide if it's worth it to let life play out in words or if it's best to just keep it private to save the torture of everyone knowing your joy and pain as it's happening in real life. 

I just spent a few hours going thru my old blog posts and had this panicked feeling of wanting to delete all the posts that no longer applied. You know the ones..."OMG, I love my husband"...nah, shit, we're getting a divorce...."OMG, I loooove my new boyfriend"...nah, wait...we broke up too.  FML...it's so embarrassing. You're so sure of something one day, then two months later you look back and wonder what the fuck what wrong with you?! There's days that I'm actually convinced that writing about my life somehow jinxes my life. 

So here I sit, glass of wine in hand, debating if it's worth it to unleash my soul to the world anymore. I fret over the content of what I want to say vs what I think I should say. I tend to censor myself as to not offend 'so-and-so'.  Maybe it's getting older and realizing whats actually important in life? I'm 33, and it's stupid that I give a shit about who I'm appealing to on social media.  I started this bastard of a blog as a fun way to journal my yoga experiences.  Over two years it's turned into some demon that chases me in my dreams.  

I'm an open book in real life.  Ye ask and ye shall be told.  I don't know why it bothers me so much more to be honest via the cyber world.  Maybe it's paranoia, maybe it's realizing that not everyone needs to know your business.  Either way...I'm taking a step back from vomiting out my heart and soul.  Maybe some things are best kept private. Maybe in two weeks I'll forget I wrote this and blabber on about life all over again.  Who knows?! All I know for sure, at this very moment, is that I'm the happiest I have ever been. Like EVER.  And I don't want to ruin that. 

For now, without hesitation...I sign off, not knowing if I'll be back or not.  And I'm ok with that.