Those Eyes, That Smile, That Laugh

If you're enough fortunate in life, you meet people who make your soul happy with their mere presence. Throughout the years of knowing Estelle, she has pushed me further in my soul searching journey than she will ever truly know. Y'all know I love me some Estelle time.

It began with her guiding me through the ups and downs of the physical and emotional aspects of yoga as my yoga teacher. She's brought me to tears, full on ugly cries a few times, and has really help me find some inner peace. While I don't practice yoga as often anymore (and yes I know, I know...I should), when I do, it's general because of something she said or did to make me want to do it. Whether it was directly or indirectly...she's always a part of my practice.

Estelle has always been a supporter of the true me. She knew how much my writing means to me, I don't think I've ever had a conversation with her that didn't end in her telling me to blog more! She knows how much interest I have in pursuing my doula dream and has enough faith in me to run yoga/labour workshops together with me.

You can't help but love her.

She spreads the joy, and you can especially see that in her children. Whether it's in pictures or in real life, Estelle's children ooze joy. Much like their mom, their eyes are so wise and full of happiness. I've only had a handful of experiences with her children...but let me tell you, each and every one is a memory I will carry with me for life. Watching her youngest, Tommy, fight so hard for each day was always so inspiring. Watching him grown from a tiny micro-preemie to a young little toddler brought a smile to my face every time I learned of a new milestone he'd accomplished.

Little Tommy left the world this week after two year of life, and I am devastated to know that my friend Estelle would have to suffer such a loss.  It is an unfair world we live in. But I also know that if Estelle was to teach a lesson about this loss, it would be that each day with your family and loved ones should never be taken for granted. We should love each other to the fullest and never, ever lose the appreciation for life. There's always something great to explore or learn each and every day. As the song goes, 'We're here for a good time, not a long time'.

This little guy, who had eyes that could melt your soul, a smile that was contagious and a laugh that would make a grown man giggle like a school girl, will never be forgotten.

You can't help but feel the joy Tommy brought to this world. May the happy spirit and love for life Tommy exuded put some perspective into your life TODAY.

#TommyTinkerForever

My Way or The Highway

In the last two days, I have seen two separate "Mommy Bashings" posts on Facebook in reference to disciplining little asshole toddlers...I mean sweet little bastards...wait, that's still not right...how to discipline your developing children.

Can I just say this...unless somehow MY child's behaviour is affecting your life then maybe you should just back off and see that just like there are two sides to every story, there are (at least) two different ways to be a good parent.  Why is your way the right way? Maybe your way worked for you, and your children, but maybe that way doesn't work for me and my children.  Or even better, maybe I've tried your way, and every other know-it-all's way and that didn't work either.  Maybe my child isn't as smart as your child, or as advanced.  Or maybe, your kid is the dumb one and mine needs a more creative and strategic way of learning.  Just kidding...all kids are equally dumb. No worries.

Let's start with being pregnant.  Do this. Don't do that. Ughhh...you CANNOT be eating sushi?! Did you just touch the kitty litter box?! You mean you aren't doing every single prenatal class available?  Did you smoke AND drink during the first three months cause you weren't tracking your period daily and didn't know you were pregnant yet? OMG. You could KILL your unborn child that way.
Worst pregnant person ever.

You used an epidural?? That's not natural. Why would you want a drug-free birth?? That's so unnatural. You're NOT going to breastfeed?! Cover those boobs! Why are you covering your boobs?!
You DIDN'T hire a doula?! Dumbass...(Soo, I agree with this one, but whatevs!)
Worst new mommy ever.

The little demons aren't even a few hours old and you've already been bombarded with a thousand things you did "wrong" during the nine months YOU grew them. Wouldn't it be nice to just get a "good job" now and then?

I'm going to let you in on a little secret...it doesn't get better. As if the mommy-guilts aren't bad enough anyway, you will now continue to get the mommy-bashing from this point til they reach college. Maybe it will stop then if you manage to not raise a sociopath serial killer. And if you DID raise one of those, well obviously you did something horribly wrong right?!  Cause I'm sure all parents of serial killers intended to raise them as such.

I wish we lived in a world where we could all just be supportive and believe that parents are just honestly trying their best. My best might be different than yours but it's still MY best. Maybe I am raising my children the way I was raised. Maybe I'm raising them the complete opposite of how I was raised. Maybe, just maybe, I'm seriously trying my hardest to just do my 'job' and get my kids to 18 years old without permanently damaging them for life.

If only...

Toddler time...I would never let MY child do that. I would never let MY child do that. If I was you I would do this. If I was you I wouldn't do that.  He still has a bottle?! She's still in diapers?!? MY toddler is a genius. MY toddler is soooo polite (even though you have to remind them each and every time). MY toddler would never...

Guess what?! I've said it before...toddlers are assholes. And yes, your toddler is an asshole too.  But as mommies, we are blinded by our own spawns assholery and clearly only see the assholery of others.
EVERY child will, at some point, throw a tantrum in a public place, steal a toy from another child, bite you, hit you, and the vast majority will even risk their own lives by defiantly saying NO for the millionth time. Your perfect little toddler is no different than the rest.  If you think they are somehow an idealistic little breed of their own then you are clearly over-medicated on clonazepam and are still in a fog.

The difference between your devil-spawn and mine is their personalities.  Some toddlers are quieter, some may be able to play well by themselves. I know a few who rarely cry. Some are more outgoing, more talkative, and more stubborn.  There are rarely two toddlers who are the exact same. So why would we all have the exact parenting tactics?

Can't we all just agree that as long as no laws are being broken that we are all just trying our best? Despite the 1000's of books on raising the perfect child, there are no rules when it comes to parenting the best way you know how. The very last thing a stressed out parent needs is to feel the wrath of a social media attack.

Maybe next time, instead of pointing out someone's "flaw", you take the time to find something you actually admire about the way they are raising their kids.  Instead of saying 'you're doing that wrong', how about 'you're doing this right'...

I Had a Vision of Love...

Years ago, shortly after we moved here, while I was still obsessed with all the 'new' things our city had to offer, I took a picture of one of the many ships that used to pass by in the harbour behind our house. The picture turned out quite well, so I added it as the background on my computer.  I didn't really think much of it, it was just a nice picture.

As the years rolled by, I was steadily applying for any/all government jobs I was qualified for.  We all know how stable and fun those jobs are right?!  (HA)  Well, imagine my excitement when I finally landed a job with the government.  I was so excited. I was going to be making actual money, I'd have sweet hours, and a guaranteed pension so long as I didn't get my butt fired within the next 25 years.

(BTW, you literally have to murder someone to get fired from a government job...you can thank/blame the unions for that)

I clearly remember sitting on the edge of my bed, turning on my computer, and having this A-HA moment of seeing the ship and realizing that I was now working with the Navy (Dept of Defence).  I kind of chuckled to myself and thought "hmm, that's cool"...it's like a mini vision board.

I was never a crazy believer in stuff like that, it seemed so far fetched. Vision boards or the vision board type of people were basically tree-hugging, LSD taking, hippies in my mind.
Though I will admit after that little A-HA moment, I did change my background to dollar signs for a few months. But other than that, I basically forgot about it and moved on.

Another random night, I remember writing a wish list with my, at the time, husband.  It had the most random stuff on the list. Everything from stuff we wanted to do with the house, to trips we dreamed of.  Fast forward to the end of our marriage, I'm packing up stuff from our bedroom and I find our little wish list hidden underneath the bedside table. I took a moment to be nostalgic and read the list.  Paint the living room...hmm, we did that! Steps to the back-back yard...I did that too!! A trip to Newfoundland...holy crap...I went to NL for a friends wedding!!! This is weeeeiird....

The biggie on the list...a trip to NYC....WHAT!?! That is exactly what we had done the year before for our anniversary!!  Okay, so by now, I'm officially freaked out a lot.

Needless to say, so began my love for vision boards.

Over the last year and a half, I've often printed off quotes or pictures that 'spoke' to me.  It would just be a random thing here and there.  I would throw them all in an envelope with the intention of creating an actual board.  If you've ever been to my house, you know that projects take a looonggg time to finish. So yeah, they are still in an envelope.

I talked a bit in my last post about my job being boring. It really is. I don't find it challenging, and when I get bored I get in trouble.  Trying to avoid (another) letter of discipline on my file, I decided to throw myself out there to help with a (currently vacant) job that has been ignored for quite some time.  It's an "Excellence Program" position, light and fluffy stuff like the newsletter...which I already do at work anyway, and then more tedious stuff like process maps and unit instructions....zzzzzzzzz...oh sorry, I dosed off there for a second.  It's not the most glamorous or fun job, but it's something that's always peaked my interest. It's a position that has interested me for quite some time but was always filled until recently. I work my little "Wendy is bored" magic, get the wheels turning behind the scenes and the next thing you know....BAM, Wendy is now doing a vast majority of the excellence program stuff at work.  YAAH!

I actually am quite stoked about this. It's not a job that will pay more, it's like only going to last maybe another year before it gets filled by someone "more qualified", but it's interested and will spice up my work life.

Where was I going with this?  Oh right...vision board.  So I'm sitting at home tonight, sipping vodka and listening to music while I read a Jenny McCarthy book (just a typical Monday night).  I get a little bored with that so I decided to go rummage through my hope chest to pull out some doula books to read when I stumble upon the vision board envelope. Meh, why not?! I pull it all out, and start looking through the pictures when all of a sudden...

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR...

Work It Out

Ever wake up and think “BLAH, I hate my daily life”?  No? I hate you.
Yes? Well, now we have at least one thing in common!

I’ve always struggled with “just” being an office clerk.  I push paper all day.  Whoopy-f’ing-doodle-doo. This definitely was not how I saw my career playing out as a daydreaming teenager. I’d always wanted to be a labour and delivery nurse.  Then, BAM, teenage pregnancy side-tracked that.  

A brief run-down....I dropped out of high school, got my GED a few years later, completed a year long community college course as an Executive Assistant, spent a few years in meaningless, low paying jobs, and then finally landed a good federal government job.  I really thought I’d scored the jackpot.  THIS was a golden opportunity to bring me right thru to retirement...with a good pension as an added bonus.

So, 6 years later...while I hate to complain about a well paying, stable job, it’s dreadfully boring and leaves me feeling unfulfilled. To be completely honest, I fucking hate my job. It kills my soul to think of doing the same clerk work for another twenty years.  Drinking bleach seems more appealing.

It’s not exactly easy to climb the ladder as a clerk. Especially right now, with budget cuts, it’s nearly impossible.  I’ve managed to get myself involved in other opportunities that actually interest me but it’s very unlikely it will ever turn into a new job. I’ve volunteered to do the monthly newsletter, I’ve volunteered to do process mapping (I may regret that one), I’m on every damn committee, I take all the pictures at any work functions....basically, I’m the social butterfly girl.  It all seems fine and dandy until you start to develop the reputation of the “girl who doesn’t work”.  Apparently, “work” only counts as “work” if it sucks. Having fun and enjoying your day is frowned upon in the government sector. Well, unless you're Rob Ford...but I can't really afford crack.

Here’s where I knew my doula gig would come in handy.  I think I could handle being dreadfully bored in my day-to-day life if I knew I had the doula stuff to spice up my life from time to time. Mostly it does work.  I get to be a doula just enough that it’s satisfying without disrupting my work life or home life.  

A few months ago, the stars aligned and the yoga-love of my life, Estelle, sent me an email asking if I would be interested in doing a labour/delivery & yoga workshop with her!  Helllz yeah I in!!

We worked together to create a two hour workshop, complete with great yoga poses to use during labour and some doula tips to help the process be more enjoyable. (Yes, birth CAN be enjoyable)

I always knew I was a capable doula, it’s kind of impossible to screw it up really, but having her want to partner with me on this was the kick in the ass I needed to be more confident about it. I charged just enough money to cover my costs as I didn't like I was “worth” any more than that.  I would always tell people I was training to be a doula...it was Estelle who said, “Screw that girl, you ARE a doula”. She’s also the one who convinced me I was worth more than just covering my costs. Once again, Estelle changed my life...

The first workshop was so nerve wracking. OMG, I don’t even remember what I said or did. Would people like us? Would they learn anything?  Would it be a complete flop??

Turns out it was a complete hit! BOO-YAH! I think we both squealed a little when the workshop was over.  I could not believe I was actually getting paid to do this!!!  I finally understood what it was like to have a “job” that you love to do.  The money was just icing on the cake!

Today was the 4^th workshop. Each time we’ve had a full house, get tons of great feedback, I’ve even landed a few doula gigs because of it. It’s so much fun to do, it’s always entertaining, and even though I still get a bit of anxiety before each workshop I can finally say I have a job that I love! 

Life isn’t as easy as just quitting my day job or I would be a full time doula. Mortgage payments, bills, and two spoiled kids mean I have to keep the day job for now.  But my god, does this new “job” ever feel good for the soul...

My Creative Space

The beginnings of my creative space. Dedicated to my creative guru Estelle ✨✨✨

More to come people, more to come...

Adaptation

Life tends to throw me a load of bricks every few months as if to say, "Screw You Wendy!! Here's more than you can handle".

I used to think it was just my crappy life and I'd never have anything decent happen to me. Just was what it was. Meant to be. Suck it up buttercup.

Then a wheelbarrow fulls of bricks came my way and I realised that it wasn't just my crappy life, it was also the way I dealt with my crappy life.

I shut down. I close off. I avoid. I deny. I procrastinate. I cry. I eat my feelings. Then I repeat the process until the bricks break me down.  Then I melt down, sort of fix things, and then move on until the next load of bricks.

Upon much sole searching, a meltdown in front of my grandparents, and a massive push from a few close friends/Jeff, I decided to go the doctor to see about anti-depressants. It was not my first choice, but it just got to the point where I really, really, REALLY couldn't function.  I was crying all the time, bursting out in tears for no particular reason. I used to have to leave work for a "coffee run" just so I could cry without the stares. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping. It was a fight to just function to the best of my very limited ability.

A few people kept saying "eat better"...okay, thanks for that but I can't afford to.  People would say "exercise more"...okay, except I can't afford the gas to get to my FREE yoga classes. Then there's the ultimate..."just snap out of it"...sure, I'll just go right ahead a do that.  THANK YOU...now fuck off.

So it turns out, my doctor recommended an anti-anxiety medication over an anti-depressant...HA!! Bet none of you saw that coming!

Next came the three months of constant doctor appointments to try to figure out my doses.  Up, down, Up again. Follow ups every 2 weeks, prescription refills, a new medication to help me sleep.   I thought these pills were supposed to REDUCE the stress?!  I was loopy for the first week or so after every dose change. I was passing out cold at weird hours of the day. Just dead to the world, wake up with drool dried to my face and wonder what happened over the last few hours. Sleeping weird hours was causing me to stay up late, which made me sleep past my alarm, and late for work. MORE STRESS. Some days I just make up reasons I was late, but everyone knows its because I frigging slept thru my alarm AGAIN. Walking into work knowing this just added to the anxiety and panic so I started calling in sick instead of being late. Take an entire day off just to avoid the anxiety of admitting I slept in. Makes sooo much sense.

Then my sick leave ran out.  Next up, leave without pay.  Awesomesauce.  Cause THAT's what I need right now.  But screw it. I did what I thought I needed to do to get myself out of this funk.

By that point, the medication was definitely starting to work. I was feeling more and more like my old self. Just tired as hell but at least I was mostly getting back to my usual lazy self instead of my zombie self.
Huge progress in my eyes for sure!

I was beginning to "deal" with life again.  Slowly, but surely, I began to adapt and finally start crossing some issues off my list.  I had a massive screw up occur with my house/car insurance (their fault, not mine)...but I dealt with it.  Got myself some new insurance. Check that off the list!  I was able to pay off some debt thanks to my tax return...that was a huge load lifted. I started to be able see past the gloom and doom of my life. I made some changes to our lifestyle to cut costs...bye bye home phone and cable. It's amazing how easily one can survive without 3876 channels to be overwhelmed by. I got a tutor for Jeremy instead of freaking out over his failing math scores.  He rocked out a 88% this term so that paid off completely.

I returned the phone calls I'd be procrastinating on. I answered emails I was avoiding. I clean up my paperwork. I decluttered. I stopped buying stuff I didn't need. I overcame the issue of lack of storage in the house by getting rid of enough clothes that I'm down to one dresser, no containers full of stuff I'll never wear anyway. I threw out those "funeral and wedding" clothes. I read up on living a "minimalist" life style and came to the conclusion that I don't NEED anything more than what I have. I bought tablecloths from the dollar store and used them as curtains instead of dishing out $60 at Walmart for real ones.  I overcame a lot of the stresses in my life.

I'm now six months in on these medications...one I'm hardly using anymore and the other I'm about to take a step down on the dose. I'm not one to push meds, we have so much of it shoved down our throats as it is. But when life is so out of control that you cannot function then something has to give.

I'm not sure I will ever be able to fully and properly deal with my anxiety, but I know I've made progress. Baby steps...

When life gets tough, adapt to it. If that means stealing food from your ex's house when he's not home to reduce your grocery bill then so be it.  If he gets a security system installed then adapt to that too...slyly ask the kids what the code is...and BOOM...you're in like flynn.
I mean...for example.  :-0

Juanabe

It's 8:20am...it's a snow day. Like a legit, official, work is closed type of day.  And it's not even snowing yet. It's like Christmas morning to me!

The plan was set in motion last night...let the kids stay up late so they'd sleep in! CHECK!
Wake up to a text from my boss saying no work. CHECK!!
Get another text that school is closed. (Captain Obvious...thank you HRSB) CHECK!
Get up early to rush to Tim's to load up on coffee before the snow started. CHECK!!
Go to Two If By Sea and get a croissant for breakfast. CHECK!!! (Warm and fresh from the oven...BONUS!!)
Get home and enjoy the peace and quiet until the kids get up....ahhhhhhh....silence.

We are awaiting the storm of the year, it's coming...my cat says so. She's a nutjob right now. Claws and a pending storm make for an interesting night. I think I'm prepared...food, candles, I have the heat cranked so if the power goes out its that much longer before we freeze to death. Did I mention coffee? Lots of coffee!!

It's like the karma gods have aligned and set up my day for perfection. Good coffee, great croissant, silence, power (so far), and a paid day off. Life is sweet!

I even have a bottle of wine for when the kids wake up.  For me, not them!! Cabin fever is easier to handle when you're tipsy.

My roof may not stay on...but that's a whole other story.

New Year New ME 2014

Holy bananas batman...I have been horribly neglectful of this blog. It's such a mental drain on me sometimes that I just push it to the back burner and wish to the blog gods that it just writes itself. So far not luck. I find it very therapeutic to write, y'all know I have no filter so this is sort of a diary for me. But the last nine months or so of my life have been a complete roller coaster and very time consuming to say the least.

1. Divorce...well not quite, separated but it's only that dumb piece of paper we are waiting for. (procrastinating on because I am broke and can't afford it)

2. Dating life...uhhhhhhh....boys suck. Have you surfed a dating website lately? It's all wang shots and cheesy one-liners. First of all, it's not that big, wangs aren't cute, nobody wants to see them, and taking the picture at ridiculously weird angles does not make me want it more. Boys...DO NOT SEND WANG SHOTS. You just look like an idiot when you do. Plus we show everyone and then laugh about it.

3. I have a teenage boy...enough said.

4. I also have a preteen girl...shoot me now. Seriously. Just put me out of my misery. Please.

5. Mental stress...antidepressants required. No joke. Not my ideal fix, but will blog more on that later.

6. Yoga...non-existent...partial due to mental stress (oxymoron I know), partially due to the fact that I can't afford the gas to drive my arse to the studio. (see #7)

7. Money woes...nobody told me getting a divorce, moving out on my own, buying a crappy fixer-upper house, replacing all my stuff and paying all the bills would be so hard. It all looked good on paper. It's not. I am BROKE. Not like "Oh, I have my credit card to fall back on" broke...but "Cards are maxed, I don't make enough money, I need to re-adjust my spending habits quickly before my lights get shut off" broke. I barely live paycheck to paycheck, and I've had my fair share of skipped meals in the last few months. (see #8)

8. Lifestyle change...due to previously mentioned money woes a lot of things have changed or are in the process of being changed. Cable is gone, new clothes are gone, Christmas was slashed in half, I'm learning to say NO, and learning to stick to it. It has not been easy, it's been quick frustrating to have to constantly explain myself to the people who don't like to hear NO. It's not that I don't want to go to dinner with you or go shopping with you, it's that I just cannot afford it. So stop asking. Please. Unless you want to pay, then I'm always up for a free coffee. My besties know the real deal, and now you do to. It's been a hard process. I've slipped and tripped all over myself. I overspend and then feel like crap about it. I understand what I need to do, but that doesn't mean I'm good at it. Me and budgets don't work well together. I'm forgetful, I rush, I have an impulsive devil resting on my shoulder. I'm doing my best but need the patience and understanding from my friends that it's not going to be easy. Don't ask me to do ANYTHING!!! Cause I'm living in a hole from now til I dig myself out. If I go out and do something, believe me, something else is suffering because of it...or I'm not the one footing the bill.

9. It's definitely not all gloom and doom...in the mix of all of this BS, I somehow managed to stumble upon a mythical creature that I did not believe existed. A NICE, FUNNY, AMAZING GUY!!! I really thought they were like unicorns or mermaids. Imagine my surprise when he actually accepted and encouraged my mild (moderate?) craziness. He is fun, he is funny, he loves me, he loves my kids. He is smart, just the right amount of stubborn (most of the time), puts me in my place when I need it, and can calm me down with just a few words and a hug. I have no anxiety when he is around. My heart aches when we have to spend a night apart so I am very thankful that those nights are far and few in between. He is the most caring, quirky, lovable man I've ever met. I love him, I love his kids, I adore his family, and I look forward to living my life with him by my side. It's been six short months, but it feels like a lifetime. He has changed my life for the better in a way that I never thought could happen to me. This stuff only happens in the movies that I cry at or in some dumb romance novel that I gag my way through. Except it actually happened to ME! And believe me, we've seen the best and worst of each other, I'm not living with rose colored glasses on. We have, to the core, experienced each others bests and worsts. Through all of this he still keeps showing up at my house each night, so I think he's a keeper! xoxo