Yoga Snob

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Turns out my husband, without hardly trying, is a complete yoga snob.  It started with me, foolishly, showing him pictures of some of my most favorite yoga teachers.  He took one look at a particular photo and said "Wow, that's super human".  I was trying to explain that while, yes, it was a fantastic picture there are lots of yogis who can do those types of moves. I, for examples, could easily do something similar....right?!

Wrong.

Rules #1 of trying to be a true yogi...no competition.  Right?  Everyone is different and can do different things, and most of the yogis I strive to be like have been practicing for years.  I go two or three times a week and I'm convinced I look just like that...until I look in the mirror.

But did I listen to rule #1....NOOOOOO.  I decided I was going to show Todd that it wasn't as far fetched as he thought, so there I am down on the ground, legs all twisted, trying to touch my foot to the back on my head.  Yeah, some of you will know what picture I'm talking about...and NO I did not look anything close to that. Then, my AHA moment....well I'm sure when she first started practicing she probably used a strap. So yeah, I'll use a strap and show him up right good...

So after my charlie horse went away, I decided that it was probably because I hadn't stretched, but I felt I proved my point that maybe it was achievable for me someday.

Forget about trying to look like the yoga teacher...ain't happening sister.

But, I have been practicing "Crow", and have been sorta rockin' it.  It's hard, but that's to some tips from my yoga sister E, I've been working on it, and actually achieving it.  "See what I can do!! See! SEE!!". So there, suck it Todd...can you do this?!? ............I sort of rock "Crow".....at least my version of rocking it, considering a few months ago I couldn't even lift a toe off the ground.   Yep, guess who else was like "whatever, that's not hard".  Oh yeah, smart mouth...give it a go then.  So, after him holding it pretty damn perfectly for 30 seconds he's like "what?, told you it wasn't that hard".  Jerk.

I'm not sure who's more competitive, it's a toss up, so of course I can't just let it go.  Can you go from plank to a hover without touching your body to the ground?  Of course he can.  And without even shaking, and sobbing like I do.  By this point, I've pulled a muscle in my leg, hurt my wrist, and am trying not to punch him out of complete rage. 

I've been trying my hardest for over a year and still can't get to a hover from plank without collapsing, and yoga snob pulls it off first try?!  He's a friggin couch potato!!!  How is that fair?  Everything was "easy".....RAGE!   Yoga breath, yoga breath, yoga breath....ok, I'm good.

I'm still convinced I could beat him flat out if he actually came to class and ran thru a full series of moves, in a sweaty mess of heat.

So....I double-dog-dare-you....bring it on yoga-snob!!!  I'll make you eat your words...

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Pfftt...

"Like" my FB page....
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A brief overview of my day...I have no energy to think so this is all ya get tonight.


1. Grace is snoring, she got her tonsil/adenoids out last year for the sole purpose of stopping the snoring...and now it's back. 
2. My face has broken out...perhaps from the half a cup of olive oil I had on my bread last night for supper?
3. Jer bought a conspiracy theory book.  It's a gazillion pages long.  Mommy-me is so super thrilled he LOVES to read.  Wendy-me is dreading that I will now have to listen to "Did you know...." for the next two weeks til he finishes it.
4. I chose Subway over Chinese food.  WTF is wrong with me?!?  Oh yeah...I'm fat and trying not to be :-(
5. The strike is not working these last few days...does ANYONE in this house see the piles of crap all over the counter?!
6. I miss my mom.
7. I really miss my grandparents....shhh, don't tell my mom.
8. Had bloodwork taken today...the blood person (what are they called?)  tortured my arm.  Don't they have to practice on oranges before humans?
9. The dog has a bladder the size of a rat.  Does a dog really need to pee 4 times from 3pm til now??
10. .......I can't even come up with ten.

Blah, tire, sore, blah. 

Oh....WAIT!!

11. I have my very first potential mommy that I'm meeting with for my potential doula services!!!  It's just a "find out more about Doulas" meeting, but practice makes perfect right! 

K, that's it.  My brain is shutting down in 3, 2, ...............

Bring Your Dog to Work

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According to research at Central Michigan University, the mere presence of a dog in the office can help people collaborate better, leading to a more productive workplace. (GO CMU!!!)

I sort of question the productivity, I know it brings mine wayyy down. It definitely creates a morale boost, plus helps bond you to your coworkers. How can you not be closer once they've seen you coo all over a puppy like it's a newborn baby. It's really hard to avoid ooh's and coo's when there's puppy in da' house! Though, I did manage to do some email clean-up with a doggie on my lap so I'll go with it upping productivity too I guess.

We've had shit-zus, and pitbulls, great danes and greyhounds, there's been labs and springers, and even a bunny once.

They are cute and fury, and no danger to our security, not like they are walking out of here with top secret information and selling it...ooops, sssshhhhh, I'm not allowed to talk about that!! Forget I mentioned anything...

They make us happier, they bring a smile to our faces, they make the boys melt...regardless of how 'tough' they pretend to be!   And what's hotter than a military man on his knees...(pervs!)....playing with a puppy doggie!!

Forget about bring your kids to work day...meh, that's really never a good idea. They whine, they sook, they complain, the wander around gabbing all day....and that's just your co-workers!  Nobody wants to deal with YOUR kid all day! 

Just stick with the puppies!!

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Reasons why I don't like LeighAnn...

She looked like this before having a baby, (I know, I know, she's hideous.)

She looked like this while pregant, (yes, seriously, there's a baby in there, she's 9 months prego here, good thing it's wrong to hit a pregnant lady!)

She makes cute babies,

She looks like this six months after having a baby, (yep, back to being a skinny bitch...plus she actually EATS food, lots of it....I feel a punch in the throat comin' on)

She has a loving boyfriend, who just happens to be a great dad, and babysitter...though he likes to spoil kids with candy (not in the creepy way!).........so there WILL be payback once Owen has teeth!

She rides horses, and looks good doing it....not sure why I'm even her friend at this point??

Oh, right...it's because she's more of a bad influence than I am!!

Happy Birthday, ya miserable ol' hag...this post is for you!! P.S.  I hate you.

The Strike Rolls On...

Day...I don't know?  Five?
Guess what! My house is clean(ish)!!!!!!!!!!!!  And not because of me.  My lovely daughter is cleaning as I type. Doing dishes that didn't fit into the dishwasher.  Without being asked.   Say WHAT!?  Yes, without being asked.

It may or may not have anything to do with the new shoes and shirts she got this afternoon.  But in no way were they meant to be a bribe.  She needed them anyway. Sure, "needed" is a strong word.  She has a dress full of clothes, but a good chuck of them could be tossed so she doesn't end up looking like a street-child everyday.  Stains, and rips, and a lot of hand-me-downs already so a few new shirts will be refreshing. She even picked out a Katy Perry t-shirt, which is really random for her, but she balanced it out with a zombie/blood/guts t-shirt (which is really more "her"). She really S did need a pair of sneakers, she's in a running club twice a week and her winter boots just don't cut it.

Much to my surprise, she's been pretty handy around the house tonight.  Actually, I just realized it's like 9:45pm which is way past her bedtime so maybe she's just stalling? Either way, I'm not messing with it....you never wake a sleeping baby, and you never interrupt a cleaning child!

I've been working extra hard at reminding them to clean up after themselves, and I've been extra free with the thank-yous and "I appreciate this or that". Jeremy helped drag in the groceries and put most of them away for me....with not even an eye roll.  SHOCKING!

This strike thing seems to be working!

I wavered a bit tonight and tidied up a little. Just unloaded the dishwasher, and picked up a few dishes. No big deal, I can handle that everyday if it stays like this.  Life's been so easy, I have time for ME! 

I even managed a date night with Jen and came home to a reasonable house. The floors are still sticky because nobody's picked up a mop in a week, but we'll  work up to that. I'll stick to the floor for a month if that's what it takes.

Dinner, shopping, and a movie.   Except when it's me and Jen...nothing's ever that simple. Dinner turned into a mild panic attack when the fire alarm started blaring at the restaurant.  Of course, all the customers are looking at each other like "what the hell do we do??"  Just as a few people started grabbing their jackets to leave, the waitresses came running to tell us it was just a false alarm.  Turns out a small child pulled it while waiting for a table with his parents.  Guess who promptly left the restaurant without eating!!  We should have just grabbed our sandwiches and ran...but we waited patiently for about 10 minutes until the alarms were shut of.  Back to our meals, and then the firemen show up.  Two trucks, 10 firemen...distracted Wendy!!  Men in uniforms....yum. I don't even care if it's a garbage uniform....yum.  I really do have the dream job in that aspect.  More uniforms that I can count!  (Maybe that's why I don't get any work done?!?)

We ended our night at the movies. Jen was ADAMANT we see "The Devil Inside".  I guess I didn't pay much attention to the commercials for the movie because I didn't realize it was a "documentary". I was expecting a movie-movie. I was excited thinking I'd hear INXS at least once in the movie and that didn't happen either. Major bummer.  The movie was ridiculous, we laughed when we weren't supposed to, I jumped and screamed at probably the least scariest parts (slightly embarrassing but thankfully Jen doesn't judge!). Two people got kicked out for talking too much.  We all left the theatre with a unanimous WTF?!?!  Dumbest, funniest movie ever...and I don't think it was rated as a comedy?! 

But...guess who managed to have a nightmare about my family being possessed!!!!!!  Sweet baby murphy...I thought I was going to pee in my pants.   And I don't even believe in that stuff.  It's weird though cause I kept levitating all day!?

2,4,6,8...I will not cooperate.

My house is a disaster, there are dishes everywhere, no clean forks, the coffee tables are full of empty glasses, and there are dirty clothes all over the floor.

Why?

Because I'm on strike.

If I've cleaned it once, I've cleaned it a million times. I pick up the dishes, turn around, and there are more. The dishwasher only gets emptied when I do it, or when I scream loud enough that someone else will do it.  The kids have no concept of piling the dishes neatly by the sink, so the counter is always covered. 

My son has the nerve to say "it's not my mess", my daughter tries to pretend she's too cute to help, and my husband thinks because he works full time that he's exempt.  Funny that I also work full-time, buy the groceries, do the laundry, vacuum, sweep, mop, dust, pay the bills, change the bed sheets, clean the bathrooms, and pretty much run this shit-show with one hand tied behind my back...but apparently I don't work as much of a "full-time" job as he does so he gets a free pass too. 

Last weekend Jeremy had two friends sleep over and thought it was a great idea to have a toothpaste fight in the basement.  HUH?!  He also thought it was ok to sneak snacks down there resulting in crumbs and cheese squished onto the cement floor.  But of course, that wasn't his fault either, it was his friends fault, and conveniently...they were already gone home so they couldn't clean it.  I ended up paying Grace and her friend to clean it because I couldn't deal with listening to him whine about it.  (My fault, whatever, don't judge me, sometimes it's just easier to do it this way)

They have their fair share of responsibility, but now I'm beginning to realize they definitely do not have enough. The lack of respect and responsibility is quite obvious, and I'm sure it's only going to get worse.  So, begins Strike 2012...

I didn't do anything for TWO days...and here's the results:

Notice the toilet paper? Why?! Seriously. I can't keep up, it's like another full-time job.
I was hoping it would only be a day or two before SOMEONE decided to help....

Day three, I come home to Jeremy's friend doing my dishes.  This is a child I would totally steal if it was legal to steal children. He's amazing. He has respect. He helps. He understands that if he makes a mess he should clean it. 

Apparently he took one look at the place and told Jeremy to get busy.  Like a drill sergeant, he had Jeremy drying while he washed.  Meanwhile, Jeremy complained about cleaning the mess because it wasn't all his, and blah, blah, blah. He didn't think it was fair, life was horrible, he does enough, I never help him clean up his mess so why should he clean mine.  Ungrateful little...

(I think this was the "my life sucks" rant)

The kitchen did eventually get cleaned, not because MY family decided to help, but because the golden-child-i-want-to-be-mine was over for the night. 

(I love him)

So my strike shall continue, its clean today...but I don't hold out much hope for tomorrow.

Next up...laundry strike.  Yeah...I'm talking to YOU Todd....

525,600 texts...

How many texts can a little boy text if the little boy gets a new texting cell phone?

2875....

Holy SHA-BAM!!

That's like...a gazillion messages a day!!  Wait while I bust out the handy-dandy calculator...

That's 169 messages a day!  Hold on....yeah I think that's right?  It was mostly holidays so he slept for at least 10 hrs a day...so 14 hours divided by 169... that's approx. 12 messages an hour.  Is that right?! I don't know...ok, well 12 an hour doesn't seem so bad.  Am I missing something??? Two thousand, eight hundred, and seventy-five texts in 16 days seems crazy.  But 12 messages an hour seems ok to me?  Now I'm confused and not sure what my point was going to be....

Never mind.

The whole cell phone thing has worked out quite well. I didn't really think it was necessary, I guess it's still not necessary, but it's definitely handy.  It's nice knowing he's only a phone call away at all times.

I would have loved a "Zack Morris" cell phone back in my day. I was 18 I think before I got one and it only made phone calls (boooo!!).  Geez...I'm so turning into one of those "back in my day" people.  Yikes, being 30 sucks.

Next on the list is Grace. For some reason she seems to think that whatever her brother does she gets to do too.  Which is sort of true, but she forgets about the age difference.  So when he gets to walk home from school in grade five, she thinks she should be able to do it in grade two.  Not likely. I can't trust her as far as I can throw her. She's a wandering soul, her brother not so much. She's all "ohhh look at the butterfly"....and then ends up down the road and around the corner to follow it.  Maybe next year she'll get a trial run for walking home everyday, but not a day sooner.  So of course, since Jeremy got a phone she feels she's entitled to one.  For what I'm not sure?!  She's either here, or at one of two friends houses, or at school.  She doesn't go anywhere else. Tough luck cookie!!  Ask me again in three years and we'll see...

Better yet, send me a text!!

Basket Case...

Three weeks after Christmas and there's still two laundry baskets full of random Christmas gifts that haven't found a home for.  It happens every year...you buy the random junk as fillers but then you realize...hmmm....waste of money?!  YEP! It's the coloring books, and little gadgets, and random things that have no set place.  They don't really belong anywhere, just hanging out in the baskets. 

So maybe I'm just a little lazy and haven't exactly rushed to put them away.  I did manage to get the Christmas decorations put away but that was mainly because my brother and sister-in-law came over for the weekend so there was the usual panic on Saturday morning to make the house look presentable.  I'd spent all last week just randomly moving decorations from box to box and chair to chair. If they didn't come over it would have been March before I got Todd to actually drag the boxes to the basement.  So thanks!!

Sidenote* He only moved them to the middle of the floor in the basement.  It still may take til March for him to actually put them away.

They showed up with their new (hideously ugly) baby Aivah!  OMG, she was HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!  She cried and whined all weekend long.  She wouldn't leave the dog alone, Jeremy was rudely kicked out of his own bedroom, they ate us out of house and home.  Phew....thank goodness they are gone!!!!!!!

Ok, that was just to mess with my sister-in-law.  It was a great time, actually the first time her and I spent any amount of time together so that was really nice.  The baby is the best little girl I've ever been around. She just hangs out, and takes everything in. So calm and even with the dog trying to lick her face off she was golden.  She really does give most other babies a bad name.  Plus, added bonus, my brother-in-law is a tech GOD and fixed my modem plus hooked me up with some cool sites.

The one and only downside to having company over is the lack of laundry-doing.  I did manage to get a few loads done, but between having company and being gone for the holidays we have about three pieces of clean clothes left in the house.  So more laundry baskets...

Baskets of laundry, baskets of random gifts, baskets for towels, baskets for toys, baskets for dog stuff, baskets, baskets, everywhere!
The challenge begins now to get everything put away, I'm still seriously thinking about limiting our clothes to seven days worth.  Ok, fine...THEIR clothes.

The basement needs a good overhaul too, with the amount of Todd's junk...I mean "STUFF", you can hardly move around down there.   I just need to figure out a way to bribe him to clean up down there...and then I need to go buy more baskets.

Fool me once...

A certain little girl in my life tends to stretch the truth or omit details.  She's often known to burst out in tears as a way to avoid tough situations. She plays the drama queen quite well, and even better...the poor little victim. She tries to pull the wool over our eyes all the time...it works on Todd, but not so much on me.

So much to my surprise (not), one day before Christmas break, I show up at the daycare to pick her up after school and was greeted by being pulled into the office by the leader of the group.  She could hardly contain her excitement...well, holy crap, finally...she's actually not in trouble, she must have done something good?!?!?

Yeah, nope.

Turns out, little missy got in trouble at school and was sent home with a "blue notice".  However, prior to me picking her up she was caught trying to hide the blue notice so nobody would see it.  They didn't acknowledge the hiding of the notice, let her do it, and then retrieved the notice. 

They figured it was time for payback for the multiple years of torture they have endured.  They put the notice in a Christmas tin, put her name on it from Santa, and then gave it to me so she could open it on Christmas morning.  I left, sort of excited myself, with strict instructions from the staff to "take pictures, lots of pictures".

I came home and told Todd all about it.  Turns out his sense of humor isn't as evil as mine because he didn't think we should do it and ruin her Christmas morning.  I thought it would be hilarious and obviously we wouldn't let it ruin her day.   I wasn't even mad about the blue notice, I think this is the second one she's received in five years.  Not too worried...kids have bad days. 

Needless to say, we both forgot about doing it anyway, and it sat in my car until the New Year. 

OMG, now the really good part....I bring it in the house on Tuesday night, set her up by saying it came in the mail.  Well, was she excited??? Hellz ya!!  I thought I'd be really nice and take a video instead of pictures for the ladies at the daycare....

Enjoy....

Short video, I know, because she'd FLIPPED OUT!!!!  I felt SO bad, I've never seen a child immediately crumple in a heaping pile of tears.  I stopped the recording, and tried to explain that I wasn't mad, it was only meant to be a joke, and that instead of trying to hide these things she should just be honest. 

I'm sitting there, feeling all horrible about my mommy-skills, and I ask her why she felt the need to hide it. Her answer...."I didn't want to ruin YOUR Christmas".

Pffft....see what I mean??  Pretty little victim...

Child.....not only did you NOT ruin my Christmas...you made my freaking year with your reaction. 

Fool me once...shame on you. Fool me twice I get even...

Or as George Bush Jr. would say..."There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, 'Fool me once, shame on, shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again."

The One With All The Resolutions...

Three days in to a new year...

So far, I've eaten more food than an elephant. (PMS)

My grandmother was taken to the hospital via ambulance. (dehydrated, bad virus, all better now)

I broke my blender. (so much for my breakfast shakes, at least til payday)

The dog ate chicken bones, and his ass smells like death. (Not that I'm sniffing his ass, but if you know my dog, it's bad)

I broke a huge decorative bowl filled with Christmas ornaments and sent glass flying all over my living room. (We will be wearing shoes for a while, just in case)

Slept in for my first day back to work.

Anything that could go wrong at work...did.

I went to yoga after work, and was annoyed at the two skinny bitches in the front row. Though, once I realized they were sharing one teeny-tiny water bottle, and neither of them had an elastic for their long luxurious locks....I knew I'd be the winner in the end! BHA!!!! (Entertaining at least)

I'm three days in, and so far...not so great.  So happy fricking new year people....

Ok, rant is over....

Today was first day at yoga since before vacation.  I'm going to try to get my butt there right after work so there's no excuse. By the time I get home, cook, clean, yell at the kids, shave my legs...it's a fight to get to yoga in time, or I'm just beyond lazy at that point and only want to sit on my butt and watch TV. 

I packed my yoga stuff and took it with me to work. I have just enough time at the end of the work day to get to the studio, change, and maybe get 5 mins of Savasana before class starts.  I was slack on the water today, but managed to dump about 20 ounces into me on the way there.  Man...you ever pee so much you think it's never going to stop?

I must have started dozing cause the teacher's voice scared the bah-gee-bers outta me!!  I could literally feel my heart pounding.  I can say that's a first...never been terrified in yoga class before.  Hope it doesn't turn into one of my never-ending phobias...

Class was great, a typical class, except the two bitches, but there's always at least one. I usually just dry off, and leave in my sweaty yoga clothes, I sit on my towel for the drive and then come home and change.  I've spent too many times in that locker room trying to pull my pants up and it turning into an episode of friends (Remember Ross and the leather pants?!) Yeah, try pulling on jeans when you are damp, and your arms are like jello.  Anyone else hearing "I'm sexy and I know it"?? 

I get out of class and have a not-so-great AHA moment...I wore high heels today, little booties.  How sweet am I going to look leaving class with knee lenght yoga pants and booties??  Nice.  I have to get changed back into my work clothes.  I think about just going into the bathroom stall.  But...in my hopes of overcoming my body issues, I decide SCREW IT...I'm stripping right down to my bra and panties and getting changed in front of the skinny bitches.  Plus I have cute panties on and a decently matching bra, which NEVER happens, so I'm feeling brave.  I suck it, and whip my tank top off....OMG, I'm totally doing it!!  Ok, so I'm not quite brave enough to pull off the pants right away, so I put my work tank top on first.  Then I pull the pants off, and very quickly throw my work pants back on.  Yeah...to about my knees before they got "stuck" on my sweaty legs....so now I'm yanking and pulling at my pants like a sausage. I finally get them up enough to not be obviously standing there with my pants stuck to my thighs....I wiggle a little more and voila!  Pants are on. 

Now, I'm thinking I'm good cause at least now I'm fully clothed, but I still have to pull on my cowl-neck sweater.  I should have known....but nope, next thing I know I'm stuck in my sweater, the sleeves are stuck to my arms, and all twisted up.  Whatever, I give up.  Throw my jacket on and walk out in shame...

Three days in...and already I had to give myself an "it gets better" speech all the way home...

(me, minus the lotion...)