I used to think it was just my crappy life and I'd never have anything decent happen to me. Just was what it was. Meant to be. Suck it up buttercup.
Then a wheelbarrow fulls of bricks came my way and I realised that it wasn't just my crappy life, it was also the way I dealt with my crappy life.
I shut down. I close off. I avoid. I deny. I procrastinate. I cry. I eat my feelings. Then I repeat the process until the bricks break me down. Then I melt down, sort of fix things, and then move on until the next load of bricks.
Upon much sole searching, a meltdown in front of my grandparents, and a massive push from a few close friends/Jeff, I decided to go the doctor to see about anti-depressants. It was not my first choice, but it just got to the point where I really, really, REALLY couldn't function. I was crying all the time, bursting out in tears for no particular reason. I used to have to leave work for a "coffee run" just so I could cry without the stares. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping. It was a fight to just function to the best of my very limited ability.
A few people kept saying "eat better"...okay, thanks for that but I can't afford to. People would say "exercise more"...okay, except I can't afford the gas to get to my FREE yoga classes. Then there's the ultimate..."just snap out of it"...sure, I'll just go right ahead a do that. THANK YOU...now fuck off.
So it turns out, my doctor recommended an anti-anxiety medication over an anti-depressant...HA!! Bet none of you saw that coming!
Next came the three months of constant doctor appointments to try to figure out my doses. Up, down, Up again. Follow ups every 2 weeks, prescription refills, a new medication to help me sleep. I thought these pills were supposed to REDUCE the stress?! I was loopy for the first week or so after every dose change. I was passing out cold at weird hours of the day. Just dead to the world, wake up with drool dried to my face and wonder what happened over the last few hours. Sleeping weird hours was causing me to stay up late, which made me sleep past my alarm, and late for work. MORE STRESS. Some days I just make up reasons I was late, but everyone knows its because I frigging slept thru my alarm AGAIN. Walking into work knowing this just added to the anxiety and panic so I started calling in sick instead of being late. Take an entire day off just to avoid the anxiety of admitting I slept in. Makes sooo much sense.
Then my sick leave ran out. Next up, leave without pay. Awesomesauce. Cause THAT's what I need right now. But screw it. I did what I thought I needed to do to get myself out of this funk.
By that point, the medication was definitely starting to work. I was feeling more and more like my old self. Just tired as hell but at least I was mostly getting back to my usual lazy self instead of my zombie self.
Huge progress in my eyes for sure!
I was beginning to "deal" with life again. Slowly, but surely, I began to adapt and finally start crossing some issues off my list. I had a massive screw up occur with my house/car insurance (their fault, not mine)...but I dealt with it. Got myself some new insurance. Check that off the list! I was able to pay off some debt thanks to my tax return...that was a huge load lifted. I started to be able see past the gloom and doom of my life. I made some changes to our lifestyle to cut costs...bye bye home phone and cable. It's amazing how easily one can survive without 3876 channels to be overwhelmed by. I got a tutor for Jeremy instead of freaking out over his failing math scores. He rocked out a 88% this term so that paid off completely.
I returned the phone calls I'd be procrastinating on. I answered emails I was avoiding. I clean up my paperwork. I decluttered. I stopped buying stuff I didn't need. I overcame the issue of lack of storage in the house by getting rid of enough clothes that I'm down to one dresser, no containers full of stuff I'll never wear anyway. I threw out those "funeral and wedding" clothes. I read up on living a "minimalist" life style and came to the conclusion that I don't NEED anything more than what I have. I bought tablecloths from the dollar store and used them as curtains instead of dishing out $60 at Walmart for real ones. I overcame a lot of the stresses in my life.
I'm now six months in on these medications...one I'm hardly using anymore and the other I'm about to take a step down on the dose. I'm not one to push meds, we have so much of it shoved down our throats as it is. But when life is so out of control that you cannot function then something has to give.
I'm not sure I will ever be able to fully and properly deal with my anxiety, but I know I've made progress. Baby steps...
When life gets tough, adapt to it. If that means stealing food from your ex's house when he's not home to reduce your grocery bill then so be it. If he gets a security system installed then adapt to that too...slyly ask the kids what the code is...and BOOM...you're in like flynn.
I mean...for example. :-0
