Ka-Boom!

As a few of you know by now, I had a slight meltdown at work.  It's amazing how well I can hold in my feelings, and it's also amazing how quickly I can let them all come flowing out! I tend to push it all way down and then explode with verbal diarrhea. 

I started a new job about 5 months ago. From day one it was absolutely miserable. Not only was I missing my old work peeps (hey, hey girlfriends!!), but it was a job that I didn't really want from the beginning.  I was a term at my old job, that I loved and hated all at the same time, but this new one was a permanent position. No more wondering if I was going to be extended, just a nice sense of security. So I really had no choice but to take it.

That being said, I know I can in to the new job with an "I'm going to hate it" attitude. I was pissed from the start that my old section screwed-the-pooch for too long and I got the crappy end of the deal.  I was forwarded about the "bitches" and "snitches" and "crazies" so I also had my guard up.

It only took me all of two hours on my first day to realize that this was way different than what I was used to. My old job I was off and running on my own, little supervision, and there was more than enough work to keep me busy. This job.....well, TWO supervisors holding my hand, one nit-picking on everything I did, a huge lack of work. For the last few months, not only was my work day done by 8:30am, it seemed no matter how much I said I wasn't busy I was brushed off with an "It will get better" speech. I kept getting "next month will be busier". There were snippy comments made all the time. I came to work in tears each morning, and left at the end of the day with such relief. Each and everyday felt like no matter how I tried I was never going to please them and I was never going to be taken seriously.

So I come in to work one this particular day, see a nasty email from my boss that was sent to all senior staff that basically insinuated that I was screwing up this certain project too much and she was removing me from it because of "glaring errors". I took it as a gigantic insult and proceed to be very offended by it. I was overly sensitive that day but I'm sure it had nothing to do with the crazy neighbor drama build-up, or the lack of sleep, or the PMS...either way, I saw it as a huge bitch-slap across my face.

Next thing you know, like an out of body experience, I am drafting an email back to her (and all senior staff, including the Colonel) to let her know that I disagreed with her and her antics, I pointed out her "glaring errors" as a manager and may have mentioned that I would rather shovel horse manure than work for her any longer.  ..............SEND............   Oh crap!!! Quick....run out of the building!!!! 

Well, lets just say the next few hours consisted of some pretty heavy crying, and a lot of time on the phone apologizing.  I still can't believe I did it, it's so not like me, especially with bosses.  Coworkers maybe, bosses...no. I shake under my desk when I have to take to anyone of "authority".  I sincerely apologized for my behaviour, I never should have sent the email to everyone, I should have talked to her first (though, she should have talked to me as well).  Thank god for vacation time, because it just so happened I was off the following week anyway so it was left as an "we'll talk about it when you get back". 

The talk...ohhh, I got ripped a new one (rightfully so).  I was wrote up and very firmly spoken to (of course more tears).  Phew, it could have WAY worse!!  (Sorry kids, mommy got fired so we can't eat this week!)  Let's face it, I work for the federal government and NOBODY just gets fired, especially for a first offense but still, with my crappy luck anything could have happened and I wouldn't have been shocked.

Now, the bright side of this story.  Turns out that having a meltdown can be good for you! Not only did I get everything off my chest but I also sort of opened a can of worms about workloads, and the general way things were going in the section.  For a better flow with my new workload, I got moved to a different section (YAHOO!), I am now with people I like and people who like me. They finally gave me more work so my days are no longer dragging on (YIPPEE!!).  I come to work happier, go home happier, and life is just a little more pleasant now.

I had a good chat with the other supervisor and we are very much on the same page now too.  I don't suggest blowing up like I did, but at the same time it just goes to show that getting things off your chest usually makes a big difference and hopefully in a good way. Looking back, I'm pissed at myself for letting it go on this long. If I would have spoke up louder it may not have ever gotten to this point.

An ever bigger bright side, I realized that one of my supervisors have a better sense of humor than I gave him credit for as this was left on my desk last week....I'm still not sure if he did it on purpose or not, but I laughed my ass off anyway!!

A day we'll never forget...

September 11th, 2001

Its the first time in my life that I was affected by anything bad the world had to offer. I was too young to be affected by the Gulf War. I vaguely remember bits and pieces of the Oklahoma bombing, specifically a picture of a little child being carried by a fireman but I'd never experienced such a grief, especially for something that seemed so close, yet so far away. 

By September 11th, 2001, I was a mother, I was a wife, I was an adult. An adult that saw and fully understood the repercussions of what was happening.  I knew the world would never be the same. This was my generation's Pearl Harbour, or JFK shooting...a day we'd all remember exactly where we were when we heard the news.

I woke up that morning like any other day. I got ready, dropped Jeremy off at daycare and headed for my morning class at CompuCollege.  I do not remember what I wore, or what classes I had that day.  I do not remember what the weather was like, or what we had for breakfast.

I do remember a teacher coming in and telling us a small plane had hit a building in NYC.  We turned on the TV to CNN, and at that point we realized this was not a "small plane".  We watched the second plane hit, and watched the towers fall. It was complete shock to the system.  I don't think any one of us realized the full affects at the time.  I remember leaving class, and rushing to the daycare to grab Jeremy.  Its like I just needed to be with him, to have him close to me.  I remember wanting to be with people, I just did not want to be alone.  I packed Jeremy in the car and we went to my in-laws.  There, we sat for hours, watching the news, the same footage rolling across the screen.  They must have replayed those planes flying at the building a thousand times, if not more.  I remember being so overwhelmed by everything. All the details, and witness, and videos.  The shots of people running through the streets, covered in dust and blood.

The next few days are all a blur...I know I watched so much coverage.  It was all I thought about, it was all we talked about, it was in my dreams.  Really, thank goodness it was in the days before we had internet or I probably wouldn't have slept.  I remember being so glued to the TV, yet it was starting to repeat itself so much that I could almost recite it word for word.  There was a point when I remember thinking "ok, enough is enough".  Please put 'normal' TV back on!  Then I would feel bad about even thinking that and would just go back to watching CNN.  What a twisted thing for someone not involved.  I knew nobody, I knew nobody who knew anybody involved...yet I felt so bad for taking a break from it.  I remember Mayor Guiliani being on SNL, and telling New Yorkers it was ok to laugh again.  Somehow that made me feel better too, and it seemed to just fade back to normal from there.

Almost 10 years later, in July, my dream to visit NYC comes true.  I remember Todd being so adamant that we go visit Ground Zero.  To me, it seemed wrong.  Almost like we didn't belong. I mean, we aren't New Yorkers, we don't know anyone who died. I felt like I was intruding.  I really didn't want to go. I would have avoided that entire area if it were up to me.  But we ended up there anyway...

We kind of stumbled upon it.  It's not like they have signs saying "Hey, Ground Zero...this way!".  My first thought was "this is it?!".  It was a taped off construction zone.  I don't really know what I had in mind. I guess I just figured it would be different.  I think maybe I was expecting it be more somber.  Like a constant vigil. But in true New York fashion, withing two minutes we were given a demo CD of an "up and coming rapper" and asked for a donation!!  Yep, that's why I love NYC!   We started taking it in.  We'd purchased this booklet of before and after photos.  That's when it really hit me.  As I stood in front of a church that was once covered in ashes and debris, it was like the impact of what really happened hit me even harder.  It was most shocking to stand by one of the tallest building downtown and see the pictures of the Twin Towers that were more than double the size of the one we stood by. Of course, for my twisted brain, it was more terrifying that I really wanted to deal with, especially on vacation, so I regretfully rushed us through the rest faster that I should have. If....WHEN...I go back to NYC, this is definitely something I would like to do again, and this time take the time.

I have so much respect for anyone who lives in New York.  What they went through must have been the most terrifying experience.  Even 10 years later, as we walked the streets, every time a plane flew by it was the first thought I had.  I can only imagine what its like for those who lived it. 

Just randomly, we stopped to pet a dog that a lady was walking. She asked us if we were visiting...hmm, did Todd tourist-kitbag give us away?!  She'd asked if we were down at the world trade centre site, and just by chance it was the day before that we had been there. She started telling us that her boyfriend had been in one of the towers and didn't make it out. She was just a random lady but by the end of the conversation we kind of felt like we knew her.  It was a weird feeling to stand at the corner of Central Park and chat like old friends.  She is married now, and seemed happy, but at the same time she had said that she'd never been able to bring herself down there.  Sad, really. Ten years later and it so obviously still affects her.

As I sit here watching a 9/11 special, I'm wondering to myself....would I be able to go there if I'd lost a loved one?  I don't know.  But I do know that I count my blessings each day...and never forget those who died on that day.

The Bathroom Talker

There's one at every place of work...

You go to the bathroom for a quick pee, and the next thing you know you are having a full blown conversation with the lady in the stall next to you.  Why this happens is a mystery to me.  Unless you are a really good friend I don't want to talk to you while you tinkle.  I don't necessarily want to talk to my BFFs while they pee either but at least that isn't as awkward. I prefer anonymity when I pee.

It's not exactly a "clean" place to be, I prefer to be there the least amount of time possible.  I'd love to hear all about your cats and what they do to your dirty underwear, just not at this moment.  Seriously, a lady did that to me once...thought it would be a cute story to tell me about how her cat drags her dirty panties out of the laundry and plays with them.  Funny, yeah....gross, hell yeah!!  Don't tell people that sort of stuff EVER!

I especially do not want to talk to you if you are in between groans.

We can save the chatting for when we are in the hallway, or at my cubicle, or on Facebook (just not during work hours!! HA!).  Work related topics are definitely off limits! I do not want to talk spreadsheets, or meetings, or what we are going to eat for lunch.

There should be bathroom rules. Like, if you know you have to poop....don't do it at lunch when most people are going to be in there.  Can you not hold it for 10 more minutes and go when the coast is clear? Better yet, hold it until you get home!! You try to pretend like you aren't doing it, or you sit there patiently and quietly until that person leaves. Nobody wants to be in there with you, you don't want to be caught, it just turns into a huge ordeal!

Now, for those with stomach issues...you are given a free pass. It's best if you go right away.  But pleeease bring some freshener of some sorts.  And don't dose the place like you are skunk that just sprayed, a quick burst will do. 

There's this stuff called "Just a Drop", you drop some drops in the toilet RIGHT BEFORE you go...and voila, less/no smell.  Terrific, except just make sure you really read the instructions first as I misread them at my mom's house and thought you applied it to "yourself"!!!! (****I did NOT apply to "myself", just laughed out loud in the bathroom picturing my mother dabbing "herself" with the applicator!!)

Another total mystery...how is there pee on the toilet seats in a girls bathroom??  Are we not past straddling the bowl yet? Pretty sure they aren't many people walking around with crabs...is that even true anyway??  Generally, we should be pretty safe to actually SIT.  When in doubt use toilet paper.  How can you not see the pee all over the seat when you get up?  It's a pretty common habit to look at the toilet when you flush, how about you do a once-over for little droplets of your wee?

And finally, although I do not want to chat, I would appreciate if you made a little noise while in there. Total silence is a pee-killer for me!!  A little rustling of the toilet paper, or maybe a cough?  Is that really too much to ask?  I get stage fright, and there's nothing worse than two people sitting four feet away from each other not wanting to be the first to pee.

On second thought, if it's that silent in the room, maybe you could just say something....
Oh, and for all of our sakes....WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!!

"Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a 'ladies room' for a reason. And if you can not behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom."
- Dwight in The Dundies

Dial M for Murdah!!!

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I was alone this weekend, not really...the kids and the dog where here too.  But no Todd. (I'm making a pouty face, I don't like being alone).

As usual, when I'm alone my imagination runs rampant (SHOCKER!).  It's not unusual for me to check the locks a few times before bed, and then get up again and recheck before I finally get to sleep. I have a butcher knife and bear spray in my room "just in case".  Although, I'm not really sure what I'd do with the knife, that's really too close for comfort with the burglar, and the bear spray...well, we all know somehow it would end up in MY eyes!

It's Friday night, night one without hubby, and the dog wakes up freaking out at 4am.  He scares the shit out of me and my first thought is.....ATTACKER!!!!  OMG....what do I do?!?  Do I get up and fight him to the death? Do I lay there and pretend to be asleep?  Do I yell for him to go away?  As I lay there envisioning my "self-defense" plea, I realize the dog is barking out the window in Jeremy's room.  Crisis averted....it's a cat. Not a cat burglar, just a random stray cat.  Phew....no need to defend my castle tonight!!

It's Saturday now, and I'm not scared!!  I've checked everything a gazillion times and I'm confident and secure. I don't need no stinkin' man to protect me!!!  ............omg, what was that noise?!?! I hear voices....lots of voices.  Men and women.  WTF??  Am I under attack?? Then I hear..."Oh what a night...late December back in '63".........ahhhhh....It's just the party-boat going down the harbour.  I forget sometimes how the noise travels on the water.  Phew....I'm good, no need to freak out.

Sunday.....it's 1:34am and I'm still awake.  Turns out too much coffee and an overactive imagination can mess with your head.  Plus I thought the kids were in the basement sleeping and it turns out they were just playing quietly (oops!).  They had built a fort a few hours ago, and I had told them to get to sleep as soon as they were done. Apparently I did not specify that it be within a reasonable time frame!  So now, I wait and wait, until the kids go to sleep so I will not be startled by them making noises!

Monday...Todd is home tonight. If anything happens I push him towards the bad guys and run for my life.  Screw the kids...they are old enough to fend for themselves!!!!!!!!!

Babies, Babies Everywhere!

Guess who's pregnant!!!!!

..................................................................oh hellz no!! NOT ME!!! You crazy??!

Just about everyone else I know is, or at least that's the way it seems lately. Must be something in the water (or the vodka for the "oopsie" pregnancies!)

In the last year my neighbor, my friend, my sister-in-law, my cousin-in-law, and even my yoga teacher have been pregnant, still are pregnant (sympathy pains for you!), or have just had a baby.  Even my mother-in-law just had babies...four of them...cute little puppies!!  (BAHH!!!! Todd would DIE if Lilly ever had another baby!!) 

It's like when you buy a new car and then that's the ONLY car you seem to see everywhere! 

I loved being pregnant (mostly)....it was so amazing to feel the baby squirm around, and try to figure out what body parts where sticking out of me.  I loved almost every moment...then I see my friend who was on the verge of stabbing someone's eyes out and I remember all the crappy parts!!  Can't sleep, can't get comfy, too hot, too cold, heartburn, sore, tired, bitchy....and that was just Todd!!

For Grace, I was prego right into July and was ready to rip the face off of anyone who uttered the words...."It's OK".   Really!?!?  NO IT'S NOT!!!  I always feel so bad when I see pregnant people in the summer. Especially ones about to explode.  It definitely pays off to be very freshly pregnant in the summer, instead of like a beached whale like me.  Beached whale may not be the right word for me....what's bigger than a whale?!  Beached school bus?  Frig....I stopped counting at 75 pounds of weight gain with Grace.  And boy was I pissed when she didn't come out weighing 74 lbs....
Is nine years too long to still be using "baby weight" as an excuse??

I just wish I knew then what I know now....or had then what they have now.

Leighann has a breast pump that makes the one I used seem like a torture device. Her's is electric, and has a nice flow (don't ask how I know this)....mine was manual and it looked like I was trying to break the world record for most abused nipples.  It HURT!!  That stupid thing was horrible...

There were no cool clothes for boys when I had Jeremy, he lived in sleepers until he was one.  I didn't have the option to "click" the car seat in place and go.  I sound like those Facebook emails that go around...."If you played outside, and your parents never knew where you were, and didn't have a tv, or stereo or anything cool...blah blah blah"....  Yeah, yeah...I didn't have it THAT bad!!  Just now I look at stuff and go "ahh man...".  Why didn't they have that stuff when I wanted it?! 

At least I still get to use the cool stuff...AND I get to give the baby back when I've had my fix!!  No more sleep deprived nights for me! 

I was thinking about this the other night...by the time I'm fourty-five, in theory, I should have no kids left in the house.  It's college/university or OUT OF MY HOUSE!!

What a thing that will be.  I went from being a kid, to having a kid, to raising two kids...and a husband, whom I might add turned out quite well, and now life is sort of just getting back to the way it was before I got pregnant.  I can sleep in on weekends (they feed themselves!!), I can come and go as I please (thank you built-in babysitter Jeremy!!), I can watch what I want when I want (Xbox....we once we enemies, but I'm starting to like you!). 

And when I miss my baby-stages...I know just where to find them!!

They even make great tables for an afternoon snack!! (That's another thing I miss...)