Occupy Wendy

Day 1 of my new weight loss challenge...I'm not calling it a "diet", those suck.  It's two shakes a day and a reasonable meal.  Plus snacks.  (It's Body By Vi, and if you want to know more, FB me or leave a comment with your email address)

The shakes are frickin awesome!! Seriously.  The shake mix smells like cake mix (delish!!), and you can mix it with anything so the options are limitless....like "Iced Cap" or "Creamcicle".  AMAZEBALLS!!!

Seeing as I like to win, I've set my sights LOW....lose 15 pounds before Christmas.  This should be easy-enough as I'm also doing a 30 day yoga challenge in November. That's only like _____lbs a week (I hate math, you figure it out).  If I can't lose fifteen pounds by then...well forget it, hand me some ice cream, give me the remote, then shoot me in the face cause I will officially give up.

Poor planning on my part that the same day I decided to start my challenge was the same day as our Halloween Potluck at work.  I knew I wouldn't exactly be off to a great start, but I figured a shake for breakfast, a shitty lunch, and then a shake for supper was better than a shitty breakfast and a shitty lunch, followed by a shitty-er supper.  Plus I sort of behaved at the potluck....not really, but I only had one little tiny piece of cake, and left the rest of the desserts alone....except one cookie, but really, other than that I was good.

As part of the challenge, I have to weight myself (ughh), and take measurements...I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and just admit that it's likely not 36-24-36. I won't even lie either, this is going to be truthful, unlike my driver's license, work ID, or anything else that I either have to put weight (135lbs...ha!), height (5'8"...in my dreams), or my clothing size (XS of course).  I used to be all of that...well except the height, no matter how hard I wished it.  The whole "it's baby weight" excuse just doesn't fly anymore considering my youngest is nine!

We all know by now that the number on the scale really isn't what matters.  You take into consideration your height, your BMI (shudder), your overall body structure.  I was blessed to have my hips shoot out when I got pregnant.  (Good for the birth, bad for the pants size)...so regardless of how much weight I ever lose I know I'll never be a size 5 again (sigh). 

But regardless of what I know....it's still not easy.  Some mornings I wake up and think...hmm, I'm not that bad, I have a belly and thick thighs, but I can still pull it off.  Then other mornings I'm so disgusted with myself that I literally sit there, in front of the mirror and just mentally rip myself to shreds. Somedays I feel like I have a 'normal' body, somedays I feel like a beached whale.  It doesn't take much to flip the switch, a random comment or trying on a pair of pants that don't quite fit.  I get frustrated because I'm sort of in between sizes so it's hard to find clothes that fit.  It's not like you can go into a store and just be the same size in everything.  Oh, hell no....that would way tooooo complicated for designers to get their shit together and just go with one size.  

All those skinny-bitch stores run small to make you feel like crap, and the fat-people stores run big to make you feel less fat.  Either way...you still feel bad because the skinny bitches are all running around in the clothes you want, and the fat people are all wearing ugly clothes because apparently decent designers don't like fat people wearing their clothes.

Reitmans...ever take a look at the clothes in the skinny-bitches section and then go look at the plus-size section???  NONE of the clothes are the same.  Why can't they make the same stuff just bigger??  That's not even a good example because Reitmans is pretty reasonable.
Smart Set, Ricki's, Garage.........they don't even make sizes to fit me.  Like I'm a gigantic blob....those stores, right from the get-go tell me I'm too fat to shop there. It's not like I'm obese...I'm just overweight, and technically not even by that much.  I can go to the mall, with like a gazillions stores, and my choices are old-lady, or Old Navy. 

Then you see all those poor 'chunky' teenagers trying to stuff their asses in to pants too small, and shirts too tight....because "society" says "You MUST shop at THIS store to be cool". Muffin tops are every where!!   I can only imagine how it feels to be an over weight teenager in a mean world of bullying.  I was a skinny bitch in high school and I just pray that I never, ever, ever made anyone feel bad because of their sizes.  I know I was a mean girl and said and did some bitchy things...but if I only knew what I know then...

I wish I had the power to start my own Occupization...lol, I don't think that's a word?!  But I would occupy all skinny-bitch stores until they made normal, consistent sizes for all of us!!

For now, I will occupy my own self-esteem...no more hiding, no more lying, no more pretending. It's just time to lose some weight!!  (And not just because society says so).

So begins Occupy Wendy:

The mission.....to no longer hide anything. Listed below you will find my ACTUAL weight, and measurements...no rounding-down. 

The goal....to remove the stigma from all us "fat" girls...I'm not proud of what I weight, but I will no longer be ashamed.

26 Oct 11:
Height - 5'6
Weight - 187lbs
Chest - 36.5"
Waist - 38"
Hips - 46.5"

BMI: 30

A work in progress....

 

I Wish My Mom Was Like That...

For those of you who know my daughter, you know that she has quite the personality.  For those who don't, she's very sarcastic, funny, and has developed her own "self" very nicely.  This often gets her trouble as those who aren't familiar with this type of attitude typically take it the wrong way. Plus she walks the fine line of right place/wrong place for displaying this type of humor.

I've had numerous conversations with her and have tried to explain (over and over again) that most people don't get her sense of humor, and that she comes across as having a bad attitude.  Either you get it and like it, or you don't.  So, there are a few teachers at the daycare that laugh at her, and others who run to me every single time she does or says something even remotely off the mark.

There's one teacher in particular that feels the need to report to me on every wrong move that she makes.  I totally get that you are not the disciplinarian but at the same time, what ever happened to saying "Please stop".  If you are going to let her act up all afternoon and not do anything about it then how is she ever going to get that she has to listen to you. I don't see the point of grounding her or yelling at her for one comment she made 7 hours ago.  Plus every child has off days, and I don't feel like hers are any more or less than any other child.  It's maybe once every few months that she's seriously spoken to by the leader of the daycare.  Other than that it's just "Oh she was great today", or "She seemed a little tired"....Nothing to be rushing to the therapist about.  Even on the "bad" days its usually that she was playing with some boys and they all got out of hand. It's never just her, it's never just them, it's a bad combo of the group dynamic.  They shouldn't play together, but what does the daycare let them do?!  Ah, yes....let's them play together!

So yesterday I go get her, and I'm told that she has a not so good day. Apparently she was acting up, again with previously mentioned boys, and when one of the teachers said they should stop as they wouldn't want to upset their mothers, one boy says "Mine doesn't care about stuff like this"....to which my lovely parrot daughter says "Yeah, mine neither".  BAH!!!  Guess again child....

I walk around the corner to find all four kids, probably plotting their next moves.  I say "I hear you had a bad day", she says "uh huh", I say "Any particular reason why all four of you feel the need to act this way??", the boys look down and she says "No, not really".  So I say, "No Family Bingo for you tonight" (At the school).  She starts to cry, and walks out of the building to the car.  I hear one of the boys say "I wish my mom was like that"......HUH!?!?  Like what?! Friggin little boys with attitudes...I can't wait to hear what sarcastic response he has....

As expected, another boy says "What do you mean?".  Well....the boy says "My mother would have just screamed at me all the way home instead of just talking to me".  *BREAKING HEART*

Now it all comes rushing back to me...A few weeks ago, there was a mom who practically threw a kid in the car, squealed out of the parking lot, and was screaming at the top of her lungs the whole time.  I went right in, and reported to the manager what had just happened and told her I was concerned for the child.  As far as I'm concerned, if you're willing to do that in public...you're willing to do worse when nobody is looking. Not only was she a danger to her child by driving erratically but she was also endangering any one else she came in contact with.  The manager said she was aware of the situation, and that the boy had just gotten in trouble. She didn't feel the mother was "that type", but she would make sure to check on the boy the next day.  Turned out everything was fine, by fine I mean no broken bones or (visible) bruises. 

Now, lord knows I've been known to scream once or twice...or twenty times.  But really? Raging like that because he misbehaved...seems like there are bigger problems in that household?

I feel so bad for kids in those situations.  I don't ever recall being SCREAMED at as a child.  Teenager, yes...but wow, I deserved all of that!!  I try to reserve my screaming for dangerous situations, or situations that could turn dangerous.  Like she tells me she's going to a friend's house and I find her at the park...I will yell at her and give her a stranger-danger lecture.  It seems that sometimes you need a good scream to really get through to them.   But because he had a bad day...no.

I know, in our house, most of the time it's my fault she's cranky anyway.  Maybe I let her stay up late to finish a movie, or she was too rushed in the morning. I know her buttons, and when pushed she can be wild!  Some days it doesn't take much, and yes she should be accountable, but I really don't see how screaming at her will make things better. Usually, the louder the conversation the more she kids, the angrier I get, the louder she cries. It's an emotional roller coaster and I don't want to ride it so it's one simple "Go to your room until you calm down"...and we take it from there.  That option works so well for us. It's very open-ended and she gets to decide when she's feeling better.  If I say go to your room for 10 minutes, well maybe after 10 minutes she's still a total biatch and we are no further ahead.  Making it her choice can sometimes result in a five minute breather and she comes downstairs ready to help with supper. Other times it may be that she just gets distracted reading a book and I don't see her for an hour. 

Then there's the times that she falls asleep and it's four hours later and I forget where my kid is and have a mini-panic attack and then realize she's still upstairs...

TV Time!

Currently, on my DVR, in no particular order:

1. Modern Family
2. Glee
3. Survivor
4. Cougar Town
5. Lie to Me
6. CSI
7. Rookie Blue
8. Desperate Housewives
9. Ellen
10. CSI: Miami
11. Parenthood
12. Grey's Anatomy
13. Private Practice
14. Raising Hope
15. Law & Order: SVU
16. The Talk
17. SNL
18. Perfect Couples
19. Happy Endings
20. Consumed
21. Anderson
22. 90210
23. Up All Night
24. X Factor
25. Kitchen Nightmares
26. 2 Broke Girls
27. Two and Half Men
28. The Simpsons
29. Family Guy
30. Hart of Dixie
31. Gossip Girl
32. New Girl
33. The Rosie Show
34. Amazing Race 19
35. Oprah's Lifeclass

Thirty five shows!! That's practically a full time job.  Seriously?  And I wonder where all my time goes?!  In light of my search for a better me (thank you Oprah), I've decided to give up some of my TV watching.  I cannot go cold turkey, and there are a few shows that I watch that have a deeper meaning.  Ok, truth...there's no deeper means, I just really, really, really like these shows!

I've decided to remove the gory ones, I only want light-hearted TV in my life now. I've removed CSI, CSI Miami, Law & Order SVU. Down to 32 shows now. Much better!! Fine...I'll also remove all shows that you should be 16 to watch.  So bye bye 90210 and Gossip Girl.  I refuse to give up Glee!  Come on, the title says it all! Down to 30.  That's like a full time job with part time hours.  If TV was my job I'm sure I'd qualify for a good pension plan with those hours. 

Hmmm....Desperate Housewives is in it's last season, and I've been with it since the beginning so it would be ruin to leave them now.  Consumed is all about clutter, which I do not have, so I feel I can part with this.  And my lovely silverfox Anderson...though I love you, your show reminds me of a classy version of Jerry Springer.  I'll stick with you on CNN so you can go to. For the record, I do not record Anderson 360 on the DVR so that does not count towards my total recordings. 

I've lost count...down to 28 now?  Getting better!! Kitchen Nightmares can go, I see enough of Sexy-Chef on Master Chef and Hell's Kitchen....those aren't currently on so they don't count either.  Ok...27. That still seems insane?!

I have Ellen, The Talk and Rosie...I don't need three daytime talk shows. The Talk sucks since they got rid of Leah Remini so they can go.  Rosie is still way too high-strung for my new found zen life so she can go too. YAY Ellen...congrats you win!! 

25...

For the record, Two and a Half Men is recorded for Todd, and The Simpsons and Family Guy are for the kids (don't judge me).  FINE....The Simpsons and Family Guy can go...they are always on reruns anyway.  Phew....23!!

New Girl is a new show, I'm not totally addicted to that yet, so I will let that go.

22!!! 

Perfect Couples....I don't ever remember even watching this show!?  See ya later!

21!!

Ok...NEW LIST:

1. Modern Family (Too funny to ever give up)
2. Glee  (Music! HELLO!)
3. Survivor (The tribe has spoken...this stays as we watch it as a family)
4. Cougar Town (I plan to be a cougar in the near future...strictly educational)
5. Lie to Me (This is a good show for catching my soon-to-be teenage children)
6. Rookie Blue (It's based in Canada...I support my peeps!)
7. Desperate Housewives (Last season...)
8. Ellen (Have a little fun today! yah yah!)
9. Parenthood (So true to life...it's practically like watching a documentary)
10. Grey's Anatomy (Uhh...two words...McDreamy and McSteamy)
11. Private Practice (It's just on after Grey's...)
12. Raising Hope (HIGH-LA-RIOUS)
13. SNL (I really only watch for the Weekend Update, so it's like 20 mins, not 90)
14. Happy Endings (I just like the title)
15. Up All Night (Parenting show...again, educational!)
16. X Factor (Simon Cowell...come on!)
17. 2 Broke Girls (FUNNY!)
18. Two and Half Men (For Todd...this doesn't count!!)
19. Hart of Dixie (It has the chick from the OC, and I love her so I cant give it up)
20. Amazing Race 19 (Almost over anyway)
21. Oprah's Lifeclass (It's OPRAH, you can never have too much Oprah!)

Soooo, 21 shows.  I've now be downgraded to a part-time job.  Six of those are only 30 mins, so it's like I really only have 18 hours of TV. This is more manageable and I fast forward through the commercials so technically it's more like...uh, I suck at math. It's more like 18hrs of TV minus 20 mins of commercials per hour.  Sooo, you figure it out!!

Now, what to do with all my spare time....
OHH LOOK!!! Youtube!!

What a Pain in The Neck!

Like my FB page:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Pigeon-Pose-Emotions/230206560392271

I feel like I got hit by a car...oh, wait. I did!!

It's amazing how sore you can be from a little fender-bender.  We were out for lunch and my friend was dropping me back at work. We were stopped, waiting to turn left, when BAM...rear-ended. 

Instant pain in the neck, but at the time it didn't seem like much.  I went into work, and was definitely stiff but I've had worse pain so I popped some Tylenol and tried to carry on.  I knew I'd need to go see a doctor so I called to make an appointment.  My doctor was booked, and their walk in clinic was closed.  There's no way I'm sitting at the ER for hours, plus Emergency rooms are for EMERGENCIES!! (That will be another post of mine soon enough).  My neck was really stiff and I didn't want to drive. I knew I'd be just as much a danger as the teenager who hit us.  So I waited for Todd to pick me up. By the time he got me, I was even more stiff and now there were pains all down the sides of my spine.  So now I'm fighting back tears as he drives me to another clinic.  We get to the walk-in clinic and I'm told they are too full to take me. Or, lets just be honest, it was too close to the end of the day and the doctors wanted to go home.
I contemplate going home, but I'm so friggin sore and all I want are drugs to knock me out.  The receptionist tells me I can always try the ER.  Well shoot...that's totally not what I want, but I have had decent wait-times at the one in Dartmouth, so screw it...Todd drives me there.

I go in, get accessed, and the nurse says I really shouldn't have that long of a wait.  Ahhh, perfect.  I go sit down to wait, with visions of a drug-induced sleep coming my way.  There's about 10 people waiting ahead of me. I'm secretly scanning the crowd and measuring their visible pain against mine. Nobody is bleeding (bonus!), nobody looks gray (double bonus!), and most of them are young-ish (score!!). So I figure I'll be pretty quick. It always goes ambulance (none), old people (only two), kids (none), bleeders (none)...and on and on, so I guestimate I'll be no more than third or fourth.

Shit...ambulance.  Ah, double shit...they are on top of the guy on the gurney. That can't be good.  Holy crap, dude with an eye injury.  Frig.  Guy with a gaping, bleeding wound on his land. Seriously?!  Well there goes my short wait.  OMG, another ambulance....I'm seriously screwed.  By this point, it's about two hours in and the waiting room is now totally full.  I will save my health care rant for another day but lets just say not a single person looked sick, acted sick or was bleeding or dying.  Now, I know, I know...I technically wasn't either, but I can at least say that I tried the clinic route first, and at that point if I knew any drug dealers I would have tried that too!!  But, unfortunately, none of my friends deal prescription drugs.  (booo!!) And if I would have shown up to a full house I would have left right then and there and just went home and cried myself to sleep.  But by now, it's 3-4hrs in and I'm not about to give up.

Five hours later I finally get brought back to the beds.  Ahhh, relief, I get to lay down.  Bahhh...NOOOOO....it hurts to lay down. Well this sucks.  I flopped around on the bed like a walrus and I finally get comfy enough. No pillow, flat on my back, and I sort of feel like I'm laying in Savasana so I go with the flow and start my deep breathing!! YAH!! Yoga is can be done anywhere.

Somehow, in our complete boredom, Todd and I start talking about what type of drugs they will give me.  I'm praying for something super strong that will make me see unicorns and fairies.  I'm also praying that I won't have to fight for it.  With my luck, I'm fully expecting the doctor to offer me up some super strong Tylenol, maybe if I'm really lucky it will be Tylenol 3's.  That is my luck.   I will sit here for 5 hours and they will give me Tylenol.  I will completely have a psychotic meltdown, and be beggging like a addict if he doesn't give me something good.  I've felt worse pain before but at the time I couldn't imagine having to go home with anything less than morphine!!

This, of course, leads to a fight about how addictive prescription pills are. Todd is convinced it's a one-pill-instant-addiction and I'm saying no.  It's not like I'm going to snort the pills, I just want a good sleep!  Neither one of us like to back down from a good debate so we spend 15 mins in our quiet hospital voices fighting about it.  If someone has ever been hooked, or knows of someone who's been hooked off of ONE pill please let me know so we can end this once and for all.

We agree to disagree and I begin to pray (out loud) that it not be a hot, young doctor who comes in.  Bad idea...thus begins fight number two in our quiet hospital voices. Whether it's better to have the hot doctor or the old man doctor.   I feel that any doctor who is also hot is only becoming a doctor to be the hot-doctor.  They don't care about me or my pain, they just want me to go home and have a dirty Dr. McDreamy dream about them.  I prefer the old man doctors who have seen everything and aren't going to be checking out my bits and pieces with anything more than a scientific curiosity. Todd thinks its super awesome to have hot (female) doctors over old lady doctors. Go figure...

So guess who walks in....super hot, super young doctor.  Great.  I'm soooo glad I'm laying here in a johnny shirt with no bra on.  Immediately he looks at my boobs....ok so it was more like my waist, but with no bra on that's where they hang out sometimes.  I am immediately self conscious and find myself trying to squeeze my arms together to make instant cleavage.  I'm sure I looked like I was already on medication. Then he makes me sit up....great, boobies are sitting on my lap now.  Sooo glad it's the hot one. 

He rules out anything serious, and I'm officially diagnosed with whiplash.  Yippee for me!!  He prescribes me pills (yah!!) and then tells me to brace myself for some pain over the next few days (booo!!).  

I finally get out, a total of 6 hours in the hospital.  I get to take some pain pills (finally!), and eat (FINALLY!).  I wait and wait for the unicorns and fairies...and nada.  Well these aren't working at all.  I still feel sore, and I'm not even tired.   I drag my ass up to bed and wake up 11 hours later in the exact same position that I fell asleep in.  Hmmm, maybe they worked a little!! LOL

I take another pill after I eat breakfast. Nothing.  Still feel pain, wide awake, and where the hell are the unicorns?!  I'm talking to Jen on the phone, bitching about my previous day and she starts to laugh.  Turns out I was slurring my words like a drunken sailor.  I did not have a clue, everything seemed normal.

It's been two days, I'm still on the pills, I'm still sore, I'm still not in contact with the unicorns, but I have been sleeping alot so maybe they'll come in my dreams....

I've also been forgetful, and dopey, and my texting has been a disgrace.  This whole pain in the neck has been a royal pain in the ass.

Wishful Sleeping

It's my own damn fault. Too much coffee and an addiction to friggin' good TV.  I am a night owl and suffer because of it. Mornings are my kryptonite.  I hate them.  I set TWO alarms and still sleep in. Most nights, once I finally make it to bed, I don't have much issue actually falling asleep and I don't wake up at all. Or at least I don't remember waking up anyway.  I know I must because I've had full conversations with people and do not recall a thing in the morning.  I've also had mornings where I wake up and realize I've taken all my rings off, and there's a glass of water beside me that I don't remember getting.  I talk in my sleep too, so that's always a potentially bad thing!

Noises tend to blend in with my dreams.  Like the train going by at 4am will suddenly appear while I'm flying in a private jet with Anthony Hopkins?! Or I'll have a dream about a car accident and the "sirens" are the alarm. 

I guess I would consider myself to be a deep sleeper. Once I'm out, I'm OUT! 

Unless it's something super unusual and then I jolt up like I'm under attack.  The dog barking in the middle of the night (BURGLARS!!), or a baby crying (who can refuse a middle of the night snuggle?).  I always woke up for the kids when they were babies, but the poor little fellas fended for themselves when they got older.  Unless I hear vomit in the middle of the night, chances are I'm not waking up.  This works out great for them when they want to climb in bed with me in the middle of the night because I have no clue until the morning.

The darker it is, the worse it is.  Winter time kills me.  This morning the alarm(s) went off for 45 mins before I even heard it.  Needless to say, I'm late leaving for work a lot. Which really pisses me off, because that throws off my morning coffee run so I end up not having a coffee until the afternoon and then the vicious sleep cycle continues.  I've tried giving up caffeine and it works (very well) for falling asleep early, but it only lasts a few days before the mornings suck all over again. 

It's been a long time that this has been an issue for me.  Probably since I was a teenager. I snore, and talk in my sleep, and just cause I know my mother's going mention it...I sometimes drool.  I also have what my doctor says is Restless Leg Syndrome (I don't think that's what I have, but she has a degree on her wall so who am I to argue?!).  Leading up to my work-meltdown I finally decided enough was enough, so I made an appointment with a sleep clinic. Perhaps I could have avoided that if I'd done it sooner! I've already done a few tests and will hopefully get a solution before I have to quit my job and sleep in everyday. Hmmm....wait a minute...I should really think this through?!

Todd should be tested too. We're going to be one of those old couples who sleep in separate beds.  It's always a fight.  He likes it cold, I like it warm.  He likes lots of blankets. I don't.  He falls asleep faster than me and snores too so I end up plugging his nose until he stops breathing. (Don't worry...I eventually let go!)  We fight ALL THE TIME about sleeping.  He says I take up too much room, I say I'm just "snuggling".  He gets annoyed that I don't hear the alarms.  I get annoyed that he turns them off too fast before I get a chance to hear them.  It goes on and on and on...

And well, then there's little missy....

She drops like a dead fly in the car...

She'll sleep with anyone or anything as a pillow...

She sleeps in the weirdest positions...

And does the weirdest things with her hands...

She even falls asleep while playing...

(She eventually tipped over in the bucket and still didn't wake up)

And one time with a chocolate bar in her hands...

She once fell asleep at a WWE Wrestling match once, with lights and music, and 5000 screaming fans.

Like mother like daughter?! For her sake, I hope not!

My Bucket List

Like my FB page: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Pigeon-Pose-Emotions/230206560392271

I'm almost 30. Almost.

Thirty is my new number. It used to be twenty-five...by 25 I was going to be a grown-up. No more depending on Mommy or Daddy to save the day. My bills would be paid on time. I would be responsible, and strong and wise.  I would take no crap from anyone, and I would speak my mind.  I would know what I wanted to do, I would have goals and plans. I would be a big girl!  Yeah, well...guess what!!! Twenty-five was not my number!!  I remember being so disappointed at myself. I could hardly afford groceries most weeks. I didn't even have a good excuse (like having no money). We made enough, I just bought stupid stuff.  It was not uncommon for me to drop $50-$60 bucks at the dollar store.  Do you have much crap that is?!  Then two weeks later I'd throw most of it out.

So now, it's 30.  I think I'm pretty much there.  I haven't borrowed money in a few years.  That's not to say I don't OWE money still, but I haven't borrowed any more.  My bills are caught up, some even have credits each month.  I am working towards a better future for myself by finally doing what I want to do (doula!), my "real" job may suck but there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  I've put (most) of my impulse shopping habits behind me.  I'm still (mostly) broken up with Walmart. The dollarstore is strictly for doggie bags. I started actually trying on clothes first instead of buying them, realizing they don't fit and then never returning them. So I feel like I've made it.  I'm a big girl BEFORE I turn 30!! YAY!!  I'm still a work in progress but I'm getting better each day.  I've been thinking a lot lately about my future plans.  Like when I'm waaaaayyyyy old, say forty. I'll practically be childless (thank you teenage pregnancy!!) so I'll be free to roam.  I need a bucket list....I don't want to live each day the same ol' way I've lived it for almost 30 years now. I've never really done many spontaneous things. I've haven't done much travelling. I don't really feel like I've live.  Live for kids, yes. Lived for myself...no. 

After my taste of freedom while in NYC, I realized how little I've really done and how much I want to do. 
So here is a quick version on my newly created Bucket List....

1. Visit NYC
2. Visit NYC again
3. Skydive – OMG, maybe?! I don’t know, seems terrifying.
4. Cuddle with a tiger (maybe I’ll do this last?!) (and no, not Woods)
5. Own a goat
6. Eat lots of food in Italy
7. Eat lots of food in Greece
8. Swim with dolphins --- in a pool, not the ocean!!
9. Try to get over my fear of oceans!
10. Do a yoga practice outside, somewhere with a pretty view
11. Learn to speak Spanish –  Mucho Grassy-Ass
12. Make a living doing something I love (working on that!)
13. Visit as many states as possible (10 down, a bunch more to go)
14. Fly in a helicopter
15. Ride in a hot-air balloon
16. Learn how to make GOOD gravy
17. Get in the car, with a full tank of gas, and no plan and just go!
18. Learn how to knit (properly)
19. Have a proper date with my husband, where he actually opens doors and pulls out my chair, and doesn’t wear a hat. (Notice I put this right in the middle to see if he actually reads these posts like he says he does)
20. Go for bike ride on a bike with one of those cute little baskets on the front
21. Volunteer at an orphanage
22. Find a pen pal, and actually write on a piece of paper…with a pen!! OMG!
23. Write a children’s book
24. Have a “Trash the Dress” photo shoot….if/when I ever fit into it again.  L
25. Paint a room from start to finish without making a mess or getting pissed off at the paint.
26. Make a scrap book of all the kids school projects (this will obviously have to wait until I have all 12 years worth of stuff)
27. Run for some kind of political office and lay out all my scandals before my opponents can.
28. Be a foster parent
29. Go a full week without computer, TV, or phones…maybe even a month.
30. Build a dream home.

I hope I get to share some of these with my children before they rush off to medical school.  I also hope I get to experience some on my own.  I look forward to seeing what this next decade brings me.  Forty will be my next new number...

(Stupid side note...I always thought 40 was spelled fourty...but spell check AND the internet is saying forty....that looks dumb to me, so I'm adding #31...get Websters to edit their dictionaries to make Forty be Fourty)

Baby It's Cold Outside

I'm not really sure why I live in Canada. I despise cold weather.  I do not like snow, I do not like ice, I do not like shoveling, none of it's nice (ah!! Ode to Dr. Seuss). I don't say "eh", I don't like curling and I don't watch CBC.

I haven't skated since I was in Junior High. I don't particularly like watching hockey.  I am a horrible skier, even cross country is too tricky for me.  I don't like to layer. I look silly in hats. I always lose my mittens...consider me a poor little kitten!!  (Ok, that one needs work)

When winter comes I always wonder to myself..."Why do I live here??!". I could move to Texas, or Brazil, or  Mississippi, or Florida.  Why don't I move somewhere nice? Then I remember...Texas = Rattlesnakes, Brazil = Anacondas, Mississippi = Alligators, Florida = Sharks, snakes, alligators, and old people...ok, THAT's why I never moved.  The worst that's going to get me in NS is a raccoon or maybe a porcupine. Every so often Jeremy decides to scare the crap out of me with a garter snake, but usually I'm behind the door and he's on the deck so that isn't so bad.

I need to find an ideal location that's not too hot, not too cold. Twenty degrees (Celsius) is plenty. It has to be crazy-snake free, garter snakes are manageable.  I would like minimal spiders, and definitely not any gigantic ones.  This place must have a good ratio of men-to-women (yes I'm married, but I can still look at the menu).  No tsunamis. No sink holes. No dead feet washing up on shore.  No war zones, and it can't be near a nuclear power plant.  It must only rain at night, and I would like an orange tree nearby. Maybe a plum tree too.

I'd also prefer a place where gardens take care of themselves, and the laundry gets put on the line by magic. Groceries are delivered by little fairies, and children always get along.  A place where dinner is prepared every night by the husband, and the dishes clean themselves.
But I won't be too picky...

I've been on the hunt for such a place and so far nothing.
Guess I'll just have to keep my free health care and stay put for now...

 

The Other Talk

I figured since we were on a roll with the little chats in our household that we'd have another....

Period.  Aunt Flow. The Big Red. The Curse...

It hasn't arrived for little miss yet, but I feel like it's only a matter of time.  Mine showed up in the middle of the night at the age of ten and I was TERRIFIED!!!  My mama hadn't had "the talk" with me yet so I had no clue what was happening. I woke her up, and like the good mama she is she told me "it's just your period, go put in a tampon and go back to bed".  This is one of the many things I get to tease my mother about.  Sure, maybe I caught her of guard, I did want her from a deep sleep BUT let's face it...she didn't quite handle the situation with tact. Needless to say,  she did eventually get out of bed to help me out.

I had originally meant to have the talk with little missy at the beginning of summer.  The kids go stay with my mom each summer (hate the game, not the player!), so I wanted to prep her so we didn't have a repeat of my traumatic experience.  I guess I was too excited about NYC because before I knew it the kids were being dropped off and I just sort of forgot about it. 

Well.....by the time summer was over, little miss had some -A- cups going on.  At first I was thinking maybe it's just baby-fat...but nope.  Boobies. Maybe not a full A, but at least a half an A.

So I figure now it's time.  Turns out this is one of many talks Todd is NOT willing to participate in.  So off I went, just me and missy to talk about periods.

I should have known something was up because she has a Cheshire cat grin on her face the entire time. I asked if she knew what a period was..."Not really".  So I explain...and then ask if she has any questions. She's giggling and I figure she's just embarrassed, but then she informs me that her friend already told her all about it!  Well, so much for being ahead of the game.  After I explain it all, I also explain that if it ever happens at school that she should just quietly whisper to her teacher or just go right to the office.  If it happens at home tell me, and if I'm not home tell Dad. You ever want to see Todd turn 10 shades of red, and squirm and squeal?? Just tell him you told Grace to talk to him about her period!! Good for a laugh.  We also talk about the differences between tampons and pads, and I explain to her that because she's so young if she does start any time soon that she'll be using pads. She wears boy underwear, mostly boxers, and has since she's been about two or three so I also tell her that she'll probably have to start wearing girl underwear when it starts so the pads have somewhere to stick to.  OMG!!!!!! THE DRAMA!!! The child doesn't flinch as the idea of blood coming out of her woofie, but me telling her that she'll have to switch her type of undies....WELL WATCH OUT! There were instant tears in the eyes and a bit of a panicked look on her face.  Ahhh, shoot...back this up, it's not supposed to be a traumatic talk (See mom!).  Uhh, but I'm sure we can buy you some boys tighty-whiteys.  Phew...that calmed her down! Compromise!  Hopefully we don't have to deal with that for a few more years and maybe by then she'll be more than happy to wear the girl undies. 

For now, I just hope and pray that they both stay young for just a little while longer, and also, now that I've posted this to the world wide web.....I hope they never read this! Imagine knowing your mommy talked about porn and periods all within a few days?!? (Another thing I learned from my mama.......nothing is off limits in this family!)

It's time for "The Talk"

Turns out there has been some internet porn surfing going on in my house.  Let's just say it's not me (I have a very vivid imagination), it's not Todd (he has an iPhone), it's not Grace (unless she really really loves "Naked Girls Boobs", in which case there's another talk about to happen in this household!)...........so that leaves one nameless "child". 

Previously mentioned "child" must have been overwhelmed with the amount of girls at the campground this year because he left as a "girls are a waste of my time" type of boy and returned as a "bow chicka wow wow" type of pre-teen.  He's hanging out with girls, meeting girls at the park, talking to them on FB.  He's turned into a real ladies man.  EXCEPT for the fact that he's twelve, and has no clue how to talk to a lady. (I blame Todd for this, of course) So needless to say, his FB chats with girls are mostly "Hi" and "Heys" and "IDK's" (HA! Mommy's not dumb....I Don't Knows!!)

I so vividly remember being eight years old and finding my mother's boyfriend's stash of porn. Now, I'm not talking about a few magazines.  He had a trunk full of them, hundreds! I was shocked, and amazed, and scared, and confused...all at the same time.  It seems like months of secret rendezvous with the magazines.  As I think back now, I turned out fine, I have no weird sexual fantasies or fetishes (much to Todd's displeasure!). 

So why am I so concerned?  Well...obviously times have changed.  Porn isn't exactly porn anymore.  There's fetish porn, animal porn, child porn, gang-bang porn, there's two-girls-one-cup (if you don't know what this is, please save yourself the gag-time and DONT google it) and even blooper reels of porn gone bad.  Don't ask, you don't want to know why I know what I know...Yes all of this existed for decades before now, but it wasn't easily accessible. Not a click of a button away.

Back in my secret-porn days it was very basic.  At the very most, there was maybe girl-on-girl (oh so taboo!!).  All the ladies had "carpet", lots and lots of "carpet".  No hardwood floors anywhere.  There were no "accessories" in these magazines. The articles were reasonable, and oh yeah I read them all!

I just worry that he will grow up with a distorted idea of what sex is.  Sex isn't the type of sex you see online.  There are no random girls that will have sex with you on the side of the road when her car breaks down, or give you "pleasure" on top of the photocopier at work.  Well, ok, sure there are girls that would do it, but those aren't the type of ladies this Mama wants him bringing home! Most of the stuff online is gross, like there's no way, even at my drunkest, are we trying that!!

Stephanie posted a cute poem on her FB page the other day about how girls should be treated and it really hit the mark:

The million dollar question........how do you begin to teach that?  By the age of twelve, I sure hope he's picked up on at least some of the stuff I've tried to push on him.  But at the same time he's so "life should be fair", and us ladies spend all our time trying to be "equals" that when I talked to him about being nice and opening a door for a lady his response was "why should she open it for me?".  Well that's sort of true I guess.  Long gone are the days where gentleman are gentleman....or at least in my house anyway.  I'm not sure Todd's ever really opened a door for me, and he's definitely not one to give up his jacket on a cold night.  So I had to turn it around and explain that it's just nice to open the door for EVERYONE.   I just want him to grow up to be nice.  Not a douchy pervert, or one of those guys who treats you like you aren't worth their time. 

I want his future girlfriends to feel special, and I want him to want to make his girlfriends feel special!  I had my first official "date" when I was about 12.  He picked me up at Burger King (my mom worked there at the time so I was always there!), he brought me a single red rose, and we walked together (holding hands) to the movie theatre! He was a perfect gentleman and didn't even try the "arm over the shoulder/accidental boob grab".  A nice kiss to seal the night off and I was dropped back off at Burger King!  Even as I type this, 20-some years later, I'm still a little giddy about it.  And that is the exact feeling I want my boy to be giving girls.  Plus, we all know that when girls feel special it's usually returned and then the boy feels special.  Girls talk too (really?!), and having the reputation for being an awesome boyfriend works well for the boy in the end...