Exposed

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The weather has been brutally hot, and I can't stand the heat.  Weird, I know, since I have a love for hot yoga.  But it's different...sweating in a dark room versus being stuck to your furniture.  Gross.  Blah.

So, I come home, strip down to my bra and undies, and hang out like a flat fish til it cools down enough. BTW, I'm still childless, so it's not like I'm terrifying anyone...other than the dog.

Like clockwork, it's 9pm and the dog needs to be walked.  I throw my pants back on, and grab my shirt...but I can't find my tank top that goes under it. Probably upstairs or something. My shirt definitely requires a tank-top, like way too much boob, even for a bar.  Anyway, I'm waaayyy too lazy to walk all the way up the stairs, so I figure, "screw it, it's almost dark outside, NOBODY will see me".   (Get where this is going?!)

I grab the leash, grab the dog, and we head out....down the driveway, about to turn on to the road...when my neighbor's dog come charging at us at max speed (she's a very fat, very unhealthy rottweiler, so not that fast!).  She's always trying to "play" with Junior, but Junior is such a spazz that we don't let him near her. She's been known to bite/snap and he's as timid as a mouse. She's cranky and old, he's mentally damaged....not a good fit.

So I'm standing there, frozen...hoping the dog will just give up so Junior and I can make a get-a-way. No such luck. She's barking her face off, and keeps lunging (playfully?!) towards Junior. He's leashed, she's not. If I keep walking she's just going to follow and I'm going to end up caught in the leash. So I panic, and do nothing. 

Meanwhile, the owners are alerted to the barking.  Out comes the mom, running towards me.  Then comes the nine year old girl, and then the thirteen year old girl, and then the dad.  Yeah! One big happy family, and me...with my bra and boobs hanging out.

Just to add to the chaos, crazy-neighbour decides to come outside to see what's happening.  So we're all standing there, talking about the dogs....all the while "ignoring" my boobs.  I adjust as best as I can without drawing too much (more) attention to them. 

I finally get away from them, and figure the damage is done now, what more could happen?  Might as well keep on walking. Yep...here comes a car.  OMG, please be a stranger. Nope...my other neighbour.  Oh hi neighbour...yep, just me and my boobs out to walk the dog.  More headlights (no pun intended)....oh hi old man from down the street. Yep...you might as well take a lookey-loo too. Have a nice night!  Seriously. 

So on my short trip to walk the dog, I managed to show seven different people my ta-tas.  Not too shabby.  Except for the two minors...I might get in trouble for that?! :-0


I'm too modest to post a picture of my outfit, so I found one on the internet that looks exactly like me...

Duhnuh...Duhnuh

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Two words...SHARK WEEK!
Yikes!

I am fascinated and terrified all at the time.  I record as maybe shows as possible and then freak myself out by watching all the gory shark attacks and forever vow to stay out of the water!   Yeah, I know shark attacks are rare, like super rare, but my odds are the utmost of rare if I never step foot in the ocean! I have a zero percent chance of getting eaten by a shark, and that is my type of math!

Every once in a while I will venture in up to my knees, maybe even my waist...but it MUST be clear water, and I really don't enjoy a single second of it. I'm paranoid, and even the sight of a large crab sends me running for shore.

Ramble on all you want about there being no scary sharks near us because I don't believe you. (Proof...See!! Shark. Nova Scotia. Enough Said.)

So for all you haters' who always make fun of me for my "crazy" fear...I offer you some facts:

1. A shark can dislocated it`s jaw to take a bigger bite.  I.e. Sharks do not discriminate against fat people.

2. Most shark attacks happen in less than six feet of water.  SIX FEET!

3. Most shark attacks occur less than 100ft from shore. 

4. So long as a shark`s back is mostly under water it can swim easily. A nine-foot bull shark can swim in just two feet of water.  TWO FEET people!! TWO FEET!

5. Nearly 90% of shark attacks happen to men...so watch your dangly bits and pieces!

6. The first pup to hatch inside the sand tiger shark mother devours its brothers and sisters until there are only two pups left, one on each side of the womb. Nice...so they eat each other and people are shocked when they eat people!

It's not that I hate the sharks. They are quite beautiful.  I'm just going to leave them be, they stay in their world and I stay on mine. There's no need to hunt them. There's no need to kill them. Need I say more than "Shark Fin Soup"?

Thank goodness Shark Week is over and I can move on with my life.   Next up...When Snakes Attack.

I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine.

If I am to change this image, I must first change myself.

Fish are friends, not food.

~ Bruce, Finding Nemo


Too School for Cool

Every year the same thing happens...I print off the school supplies lists, I fight the crowd, I search for just the right size of glue stick, I make sure I have just the right amount of pencils. I get frazzled over what they mean by "scribbler"...40 pages? 72 pages? Lined? Half-lined? Do you know how many versions of "scribblers" are out there?! Ridiculous. And don't get me started on those bloody duotangs.  Must have 10, but they all have to be different colours.  Whatever.

I send a crap-load of school supplies to school with the kids in September, and half of them come home (un-used) in June.  The only reasonable explanation for the school's desire for that much school supplies is that the Dept. of Education owns Staples stocks.  Is it even possible for a child to go through 40+ pencils in 190 (or so) school days?  That's...wait a minute....calculator....uh....that's like a pencil a week (or so).  Unless they are gnawing on them like beavers I don't see how they need that many?

In June, I dropped off a boat-load of old (but unused) school supplies that have built up over the years.  Of course, they never match the new list for the new year, so there they sit...waiting to be used.  Then there's the supplies that come back half-used, which are pretty much useless for next year too.

I always say I'm NOT going to buy everything on the list.  Screw the list, I'll make my own!!  Yeah, except I always feel like I'm the evil, bad mommy who's setting her kids up for failure because they won't have what the other kids have....so, I buy it all.

But not this year!  Screw you Staples...you didn't get me this time!

I bought a reasonable amount of the supplies listed.  I got every thing on the list, just not as much as requested.  If Jeremy runs out loose-leaf he can let me know and I'll buy another pack in January.  Same goes for the pencils, highlighters, and markers.  I only got a 10 pack of markers because I couldn't find the 12 pack....oooooohhhh....I hope Grace doesn't need those two colours!! *Biting nails*

The funniest part of my shopping trip was listening to a Mom explain to her daughter that she would INDEED be labelling all the supplies, whether the school liked it or not! Right on Mommy!  I, too, do the same thing!  Little Johnny is not getting my extra supplies!  And before anyone gives me the "It's so the kids can practice their name" excuse...I don't care! My youngest is ten, if she can't spell her name yet I've done something really, really wrong!

I always bitch about the cost of school supplies too.  But that also changed this year.  So, I spent $140 this year.  Yes...ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTY DOLLARS...for two kids, and remember that this is way less that it would have been if I'd picked up everything listed.  Holy crap.  $140!  And that's not including lunch bags, kitbags, or new sneakers.  But then I did the math...$140 divided by 10 school months...that's...wait for it...$14 per month.  Ok, not so bad. Maybe I'll ease off of the bitchin'. Probably not though.

My biggest, very biggest, frustration is why on earth does each school have a different list for the same grades?!  Like certain schools have cool stuff like USB sticks, and others want floppy discs. Huh? One lady was buying pastels for her kid.  My kids don't have pastels on their lists!!!  It's not even because we live in the hood...trust me, their schools are awesome. Seriously. But I often wonder how they decide what's on these magical lists?  Is it the teacher that decides or the school or the school board?  Why isn't there a standard?  I'm sure it has something to do with funding and the teachers themselves, but how fair is it that one kid gets to use pastels and mine don't?!  Sure, there are bigger issues than pastels, but I want MY kids to use them too!

Halifax Regional School Board...crushing my pastel painting dreams. So I added them to my list anyway.

Comin' Home

Well, I swear if I cry in front of Estelle one more time she's going to officially think I'm crazy!  God knows I've had my fair share of sob fests during yoga time, but tonight I won the trophy.   The one-more-blink-and-I'm-done type of internal sobbing that only she seems to bring out in me.   Ya'll know I loves me some Estelle!  And today was one of those days where I just needed to let it go...so cue the music and a mat on the floor, here come the tears.

I got the sad news this morning that a family friend had passed away after a long battle with cancer.  Now, to clarify, he and I weren't very close at all, more like Christmas-time-close, and the occasional summer BBQ.  He is like that super fun uncle you wait all year to see at the next Christmas party!  So much fun and full of spirit! But his family and my family are entwined together like vines.  His parents and my grandparents have been best friends for decades, I spent plenty of evenings as a child watching the four of them play cards. My mom and his sister are such besties that I was actually named after her. His other sister had a huge hand in my upbringing as my daycare worker. Not a party goes by without being told a story about my childhood from someone! We've all spent holidays together, attended each others weddings, and even Gracie's "husband" is a member of this family (talk about keeping these families together for generations!) 

So as much as I am sad that he is gone, I am just as much sad for the pain that his family is going through. He has an awesome wife, and two children who will never hear his voice again. I am sad for his parents who are like a second set of grandparents for me.  I am sad for my grandparents who are watching their very best friends deal with the loss of a child. I'm sad that his sisters and brother have to attend a funeral for their brother who was only 49 years old.   I'm just sad.

At the same time, this makes me realize that these friends and "extended family" probably don't really know how much they mean to me.  For as long as I can remember they have been in my life....literally, since before my birth our families have been together.  Going home to PEI is never complete without a visit. I consider them to be family. And when you lose a family member...well, it's overwhelming.  I cry for my loss, but mostly for theirs.

The anxiety in me wells up about death,  and especially about the day when I will eventually lose my grandparents, and then my mother, and then it will be my turn.  I pray to God I never have to suffer the loss of a child. Death surrounds us all the time, but I've actually been quite fortunate to not lose many people in my life.  I can name on one hand the people I've lost that meant the world to me.  I consider that to be a blessing considering so many people I know have suffered through the grieving process more than anyone should ever have to. 

I count my blessings everyday to have my friends and family in my life.  But it's not often you actually get to tell people what they mean to you.  And then before you know it, it's too late...

So to all my friends and family in my heart and soul, I pray the day never comes that we have to say goodbye, though inevitably it will.  Just know that you all mean more to me than I could ever describe.  Whether it's making me laugh, making me cry, or just being there to chat with, not a day goes by without a memory being made deep in my heart  that I will never let go.  From the simplest conversation to a good cry fest, I love each and every minute with you. Whether it's one a day, week, or year, any time spent with you is absolutely dear.

Well I've been down to Georgia
I've seen the streets in the west.
I've driven down the 90, hell I've seen America's best.
I've been through the Rockies, I've seen Saskatoon
I've driven down the highway 1 just hopin' that I'd see you soon.
~ City and Colour ~