You Have No Idea...

Like my FB page:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Pigeon-Pose-Emotions/230206560392271

"You have no idea what it's like"...most common words of my "almost" teenage son.

I have no idea how hard it is to switch schools, I have no idea how overwhelming it is to get homework done on time. I have no idea how teachers pick on him. I have no idea how much life sucks cause his  mommy won't give him what he wants when he wants it. People treat him differently because he's a kid and it's not fair.  I don't know anything about what girls like/don't like or what it likes to "date".  I don't get it, I don't get him, I just don't understand...I have no idea what it's like to be a teenager.

Pffft....child, I rocked at being a drama-filled teenager.  YOU have no idea...

He recently got kicked out of the mall, he was with a bunch of friends and they "weren't doing anything wrong".  Uh, yeah ok.   Then he slips and says "we only ran down the hall, not even that fast".  So needless to say, the security guard saw this and kicked them out.  Well, DRAMA....how unfair it was, they didn't hurt anyone, they weren't stealing, it wasn't right, he should have just given them a warning.  Blah, blah, blah.

Back in my day, we used to get kicked out of the mall all the time for doing "nothing".  Sure, we were loud, and obnoxious, and usually swearing. But we weren't disrupting anyone...I'm sure of it. I remember playing hide-and-go-seek in the mall...I'm almost positive nobody would have been bothered by that?!

I'm in the middle of an amazing book, Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their Young, which is all about how this new breed of teenagers really aren't that different from when 'we' were teenagers.  Like we flip out that our children want to listen to Eminem or Rhianna....bad, bad role models.  Horrible lyrics....swearing, drugs, violence and sex.  Like on their song Love The Way You Lie, it's crazy violent...

next time there won’t be no next time
i apologize even though i know its lies
i’m tired of the games i just want her back
i know i’m a liar if she ever tries to fuckin’ leave again
i’m a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

Wow...watch your back around him!  The main message of the story is that it's NOT ok.  If you read the lyrics for the entire song, you see that it's all about how they say they'll never hit you again, but they always do.  I will, with complete conviction, admit that I am totally fine with the kids listening to this stuff.  They are both complete music nuts, and I trust them enough to know that they aren't going to do something just cause a song says so, or says not to. They are smart kids, they know music is just music, just like movies are just movies. It's a story. So yeah, Eminem, Wiz Khalifa, Lil Wayne, Snoop Dog...they are all ok in my books.  I like them, I listen to them, so it's only inevitable that they are going to hear it anyway. I'm sure the kids will turn out fine.  Although, I did catch Grace saying "fucking asshole" yesterday.....but that's more likely my influence than that of any musician out there. 
(I work with sailors...I have a potty mouth...You have NO IDEA what it's like ok)

Back to the point of the ramble...the lyrics.  Today's lyrics are no better/worse than those of our parents generation.  The Beatles have a song called Run For Your Life....here's a little sample...

You better run for your life if you can, little girl
Hide your head in the sand little girl
Catch you with another man
That's the end little girl

Let this be a sermon
I mean everything I've said
Baby, I'm determined
And I'd rather see you dead

Now the big difference between this song and the Eminem song is that nowhere in the Beatles song is there a message of it not being ok.  The entire song is about killing her if he catches her with anyone else.  Now, your parents turned out OK...well, most of them did anyway, so there's some proof that the music does not make or break the teenager.

Then there's sex...I did it, you've done, my kids are going to do it. Sure, some of you reading this actually waiting until marriage, but most didn't.  I applaud anyone who has enough strength to survive the peer pressure.  My strength crumbled at the mere mention of sex.  HUh?! What's that? I want to know everything about it and I want to do it right away!!!!  I also have massive daddy issues so I was pretty inevitable that I was doomed from the beginning.  One little "I love you" was all I needed.  Contrary to popular belief I wasn't a big ho-bag...there were a few moments I regretted, but the rest of my "encounters" were out of love (or the perceived idea of love on my end, again daddy issues).  Ok...just using the words "the rest" make me sound like a skank.  Not true. Mostly.

So I know it's going to happen...at some point both of my children will have sex.  Our big dilemma is to provide or not provide the option for birth control. Part of me feels that this is encouragement or an "ok" to proceed.  The other part of me knows that if they are going to do it, they'll do it...so might as well have easy access to condoms. I would have never dared to go buy condoms when I was a teenager. The mere thought of it embarrasses the hell out of me even as an adult.  Mom put me on the pill when she clued in to what was going on.  However, that didn't stop me from also getting pregnant. See kids...birth control is NOT 100%!

I not going to be naive enough to think that they would go buy them on their own. I'm pretty sure that if he was provided with condoms at this age they would turn into very expensive water balloons anyway so I feel like waiting until he at least has a girlfriend before we need to seriously figure out our plan.  For her, it will be easy. Period starts and you are on the pill to "control the cramps". Boom. Done.  But then there's still the need for STD protection for which I plan to print off multiple, disgusting pictures of crabs, herpes, and any other nastiness I can find.  Then I will pray for abstenance until they are both 39.

I've mentioned before that I let them watch Intervention. To me, theirs no better way to see how gross drugs are then to watch a meth-head in action. In the aspect of 'having no idea', he's right on this point. When I was in junior high, I wouldn't have known how to access cocaine to save my life.  In our current neighborhood, all you have to do is ask a random hooker on the street and I'm sure she could hook you up.

Again, contrary to the belief of others, I was never much into drugs.  I had a brief stint of trying "hash"...but it was never for me. I've never even seen most of the drugs that people do.  I couldn't tell you the difference between ecstacy or a tylenol.  I only know what acid is because of google, and my one and only experience of seeing cocaine was more than disturbing to me and I was in my mid-twenties. My big thing was alcohol, there were a few nights I probably should have been taken the hospital for a good ol' fashion stomach pumping.  I was drunk every weekend.  How I didn't get caught all the time is beyond me still. I guess cause I slept over at friends houses a lot so it's not like I stumbled home drunk. It was their parents we had to hide from, and most of the parents were either drunk themselves or not home so it was pretty easy. Plus the gum, and mouthwash always came in handy. The ONE time I did come home...I got caught right away, and my mother had the joy of watching me throw up. 

Todd brought up whether or not we'd know if Jeremy was drinking. Well, for starters, unless he's at the swim or the mall, he's at home so it's unlikely that he would even have the opportunity.  He rarely sleeps at friends houses, for some reason our house is the do-drop-inn so his friends are always 'home' too. Until he starts to wander off more I won't worry.

I will never be a "not my child" type of mother.  I give credit where credit is due and I know that it's likely that they will both have run-ins with all of the above at some point in the next ten years.  I will try my best to steer them in the right direction, but I also know that they need to learn these mistakes on their own and make their own judgements about what is right and wrong. 

I do not look forward to the first heartbreaks, hangovers, or missed curfews.  But I do know that I will have compassion and understanding and they will always have a shoulder to lean on.  It wasn't that long ago that I was a teenager too.  And they have no idea what it was like for me...