Phobophobia

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It's no secret that I am irrational when it comes to my fears. I've blogged about it before that I am scared out of my mind about the most random things. (http://pigeonposeemotions.blogspot.com/2011/06/dont-fear-reaperunless-you-are-me.html)

I freak out over a lot of stuff, and spend a lot of time obsessing about the "what if's" in life.  When the kids were small my biggest obsession was dying, and them being the ones to find me.  At the time, I was mostly alone as Todd spent a lot of time out west. I would lay in bed at night wondering if I died in my sleep how many hours/days would go by before anyone would realize.  Then panic would set in at the thought of them being in the house with dead-mommy until someone questioned where we were. There were nights were I literally lock myself in my bedroom so they wouldn't be able to find my dead body in the morning.

I don't know why.  I've had zero trauma in my life. I have no sane explanation.

It doesn't stop at me dying.  I freak out when I don't hear from Todd right away, and heaven forbid he's late...I obsessively call him, over and over, until he either answers or comes home.  The sane part of my brain knows he's either left his phone in the truck, or it's not charged.  But the insane part of my brain is convinced he's in a ditch, the truck has flipped, caught on fire, and nobody is around to see him.  I go right to the dark side. If he's late, then I frantically hit refresh on all the media sites for reports of a car accident.

If we are on a boat, especially with the kids, I panic the entire time, thinking about one of them falling overboard, and me having to jump in to get them, and then what if they sink, and I can't get to them....and then it just spirals out of control to them getting eating by sharks. (I know, it's IRRATIONAL).

Then there's the downright stupid...like having to put a bathing suit on.  Besides the "omg, I'm fat, pasty, white, stretch mark covered"....it goes beyond that, like some random kid at the pool is going to point and say something rude.  Or the skinny bitches are going to laugh at me while I walk by.  Worst case, I will run into someone I know. So I don't do it. 

I had a big AHA moment the other day. I was siting at work, daydreaming (shocker), and found myself thinking about what my grandmother's funeral will be like.  She's not dead, she's not dying, she's not even sick. And there I was, at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, running through the entire funeral, start to finish.  I realized at that moment that I've spent the last 10 years or more stressing out about the death of my grandparents.  The what-ifs have been playing out in my head all this time for no good reason at all.  Sure, they've both had their run-ins with health issues, but all of my worrying started long before they even had issues.  I know it's irrational and can't seem to stop it.

Those are just a few bits of fears that I live with inside my head.  Not a day goes by where I don't think about the need for some serious medication. Most days I just laugh at myself but then last night, while having a conversation with a 14 year old, I thought to myself....wouldn't kill ya to see a doctor.

Jer's friend, A, was over at the house.  I said we should put a movie on and suggested Paranormal Activity 3.  (shut up...they've seen worse).  "A" freaked out, and was like "absolutely no way, I can't watch it, I have an anxiety disorder".  Huh?! He's here 5 days a week, how did I not know this??  So I ask him to tell me about it, and the next thing you know I'm googling it, and self-diagnosing myself.  Everything he said was so ME!!

He has fears of people getting cancer and dying, especially his family, and while obsess about it for hours at a time. He has OCD-like thoughts about death, dying, and the safety and well-being of others.  That's ME!

The symptoms are:

Emotional symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)

• Constant worries running through your head (YES)
• Feeling like your anxiety is uncontrollable; there is nothing you can do to stop the worrying (YES)
• Intrusive thoughts about things that make you anxious; you try to avoid thinking about them, but you can’t (YES)
• An inability to tolerate uncertainty; you need to know what’s going to happen in the future (YES<YES!)
• A pervasive feeling of apprehension or dread (Like a pit in my stomach)

Behavioral symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)

• Inability to relax, enjoy quiet time, or be by yourself (I'm ok here)
• Difficulty concentrating or focusing on things (depends)
• Putting things off because you feel overwhelmed (100%)
• Avoiding situations that make you anxious (OMG, absolutely)

Physical symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)

• Feeling tense; having muscle tightness or body aches (Yep)
• Having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep because your mind won’t quit (Yep, sometimes for hours)
• Feeling edgy, restless, or jumpy (Yep)
• Stomach problems, nausea, diarrhea (Overwhelming feeling of needing to throw up)

So...as you can see, since Google says that's what I have, I must have GAD. In all seriousness, I know I have something wrong with my head (haha, whatever, say it, I don't care!!)

I hate social outings, I freak if I have to meet new people, I don't like being out of my comfort zone.  I have a hard time saying no, actually it's pretty impossible.  So instead of saying something, I will avoid that person for months on end.  And then stress out about the entire time. 

I'm trying to work on it, admitting you have a problem is the first step right?! I even dragged my ass to the pool with the kids last night.  I put on the bathing suit, and walked out of the changing room and right right into Grace's daycare teacher.  Lovely...now she knows exactly what I look like "naked".  But I kept calm, and carried on.  Halfway thru the swim, I thought about this whole thing, and forced myself to get out of the pool and walk the entire length.  Halfway thru the walk....I realized not a single person was staring, or pointing, or calling me names. I won't be strutting my stuff on a regular basis, but at least I can say I did it. 

I guess it's a work in progress...