Ka-Boom!

As a few of you know by now, I had a slight meltdown at work.  It's amazing how well I can hold in my feelings, and it's also amazing how quickly I can let them all come flowing out! I tend to push it all way down and then explode with verbal diarrhea. 

I started a new job about 5 months ago. From day one it was absolutely miserable. Not only was I missing my old work peeps (hey, hey girlfriends!!), but it was a job that I didn't really want from the beginning.  I was a term at my old job, that I loved and hated all at the same time, but this new one was a permanent position. No more wondering if I was going to be extended, just a nice sense of security. So I really had no choice but to take it.

That being said, I know I can in to the new job with an "I'm going to hate it" attitude. I was pissed from the start that my old section screwed-the-pooch for too long and I got the crappy end of the deal.  I was forwarded about the "bitches" and "snitches" and "crazies" so I also had my guard up.

It only took me all of two hours on my first day to realize that this was way different than what I was used to. My old job I was off and running on my own, little supervision, and there was more than enough work to keep me busy. This job.....well, TWO supervisors holding my hand, one nit-picking on everything I did, a huge lack of work. For the last few months, not only was my work day done by 8:30am, it seemed no matter how much I said I wasn't busy I was brushed off with an "It will get better" speech. I kept getting "next month will be busier". There were snippy comments made all the time. I came to work in tears each morning, and left at the end of the day with such relief. Each and everyday felt like no matter how I tried I was never going to please them and I was never going to be taken seriously.

So I come in to work one this particular day, see a nasty email from my boss that was sent to all senior staff that basically insinuated that I was screwing up this certain project too much and she was removing me from it because of "glaring errors". I took it as a gigantic insult and proceed to be very offended by it. I was overly sensitive that day but I'm sure it had nothing to do with the crazy neighbor drama build-up, or the lack of sleep, or the PMS...either way, I saw it as a huge bitch-slap across my face.

Next thing you know, like an out of body experience, I am drafting an email back to her (and all senior staff, including the Colonel) to let her know that I disagreed with her and her antics, I pointed out her "glaring errors" as a manager and may have mentioned that I would rather shovel horse manure than work for her any longer.  ..............SEND............   Oh crap!!! Quick....run out of the building!!!! 

Well, lets just say the next few hours consisted of some pretty heavy crying, and a lot of time on the phone apologizing.  I still can't believe I did it, it's so not like me, especially with bosses.  Coworkers maybe, bosses...no. I shake under my desk when I have to take to anyone of "authority".  I sincerely apologized for my behaviour, I never should have sent the email to everyone, I should have talked to her first (though, she should have talked to me as well).  Thank god for vacation time, because it just so happened I was off the following week anyway so it was left as an "we'll talk about it when you get back". 

The talk...ohhh, I got ripped a new one (rightfully so).  I was wrote up and very firmly spoken to (of course more tears).  Phew, it could have WAY worse!!  (Sorry kids, mommy got fired so we can't eat this week!)  Let's face it, I work for the federal government and NOBODY just gets fired, especially for a first offense but still, with my crappy luck anything could have happened and I wouldn't have been shocked.

Now, the bright side of this story.  Turns out that having a meltdown can be good for you! Not only did I get everything off my chest but I also sort of opened a can of worms about workloads, and the general way things were going in the section.  For a better flow with my new workload, I got moved to a different section (YAHOO!), I am now with people I like and people who like me. They finally gave me more work so my days are no longer dragging on (YIPPEE!!).  I come to work happier, go home happier, and life is just a little more pleasant now.

I had a good chat with the other supervisor and we are very much on the same page now too.  I don't suggest blowing up like I did, but at the same time it just goes to show that getting things off your chest usually makes a big difference and hopefully in a good way. Looking back, I'm pissed at myself for letting it go on this long. If I would have spoke up louder it may not have ever gotten to this point.

An ever bigger bright side, I realized that one of my supervisors have a better sense of humor than I gave him credit for as this was left on my desk last week....I'm still not sure if he did it on purpose or not, but I laughed my ass off anyway!!