The Bathroom Talker

There's one at every place of work...

You go to the bathroom for a quick pee, and the next thing you know you are having a full blown conversation with the lady in the stall next to you.  Why this happens is a mystery to me.  Unless you are a really good friend I don't want to talk to you while you tinkle.  I don't necessarily want to talk to my BFFs while they pee either but at least that isn't as awkward. I prefer anonymity when I pee.

It's not exactly a "clean" place to be, I prefer to be there the least amount of time possible.  I'd love to hear all about your cats and what they do to your dirty underwear, just not at this moment.  Seriously, a lady did that to me once...thought it would be a cute story to tell me about how her cat drags her dirty panties out of the laundry and plays with them.  Funny, yeah....gross, hell yeah!!  Don't tell people that sort of stuff EVER!

I especially do not want to talk to you if you are in between groans.

We can save the chatting for when we are in the hallway, or at my cubicle, or on Facebook (just not during work hours!! HA!).  Work related topics are definitely off limits! I do not want to talk spreadsheets, or meetings, or what we are going to eat for lunch.

There should be bathroom rules. Like, if you know you have to poop....don't do it at lunch when most people are going to be in there.  Can you not hold it for 10 more minutes and go when the coast is clear? Better yet, hold it until you get home!! You try to pretend like you aren't doing it, or you sit there patiently and quietly until that person leaves. Nobody wants to be in there with you, you don't want to be caught, it just turns into a huge ordeal!

Now, for those with stomach issues...you are given a free pass. It's best if you go right away.  But pleeease bring some freshener of some sorts.  And don't dose the place like you are skunk that just sprayed, a quick burst will do. 

There's this stuff called "Just a Drop", you drop some drops in the toilet RIGHT BEFORE you go...and voila, less/no smell.  Terrific, except just make sure you really read the instructions first as I misread them at my mom's house and thought you applied it to "yourself"!!!! (****I did NOT apply to "myself", just laughed out loud in the bathroom picturing my mother dabbing "herself" with the applicator!!)

Another total mystery...how is there pee on the toilet seats in a girls bathroom??  Are we not past straddling the bowl yet? Pretty sure they aren't many people walking around with crabs...is that even true anyway??  Generally, we should be pretty safe to actually SIT.  When in doubt use toilet paper.  How can you not see the pee all over the seat when you get up?  It's a pretty common habit to look at the toilet when you flush, how about you do a once-over for little droplets of your wee?

And finally, although I do not want to chat, I would appreciate if you made a little noise while in there. Total silence is a pee-killer for me!!  A little rustling of the toilet paper, or maybe a cough?  Is that really too much to ask?  I get stage fright, and there's nothing worse than two people sitting four feet away from each other not wanting to be the first to pee.

On second thought, if it's that silent in the room, maybe you could just say something....
Oh, and for all of our sakes....WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!!

"Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a 'ladies room' for a reason. And if you can not behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom."
- Dwight in The Dundies