She Strikes Again....

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Day 6

Ma belle amie Estelle is back!!! And with that comes, of course, a tear-fest in yoga class, as well as a minor...major meltdown on my drive home.

I seriously don't know what the deal is. It's like she plans her intentions around me.  I wonder if she's somehow secretly recording my private thoughts and exploiting them in class??

Today, she talked about having faith in yourself.  Something I sort of lack.  It borders between low self-esteem and just a fear of moving forward.  I know I am capable of anything I set my mind to, but that little devil on my shoulder keeps saying "oooh, Wendy, it's gonna be too scary, step back, step back step back!!!"

I want to push forward with the doula training, yet I find myself questioning it everyday, can I really do it? Are people going to actually want me there?  What if I mess up or make things worse?  I know I could be flying through this, the quicker I finish the training the faster I can start to help.  But I doubt myself, so I stall....

I want to move, very badly, but then I go threw the what-ifs....the kids will have to change schools, what if they hate me for it? I'm treading lightly as it is because of the pre-teen raging hormones in this house.  I know, first hand, how affect you. I was in five different schools by the time I hit grade 5, it's stressful, and I do not want to do that to my children if I can avoid it. There's so much work involved in selling/buying, it's stressful, maybe I'll hate the new spot more, maybe it won't make anything better.

So, I do nothing. 

I think about how they say you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others....like the oxygen mask on a plane, put yours on first.  But I feel like living for me first is something I can do when my kids are in college.  Maybe it would be just as good for them as me in the long run? I don't know...

It's a constant struggle of trying to make my family happy, yet making myself happy too.  I go to yoga and I feel guilty that I'm gone.  I stay home and I feel miserable about myself.

I want to be at yoga class every single day, it's just not the same doing it in the living room at home. It's so awesome to feel the energy of a full room, all our breaths synced as one.  In my living room it's more like a dog liking my foot or a child asking for a snack! So not the same atmosphere....

I know the guilt is foolish.  Like right now, one child is in the basement, and the other is outside playing. So what difference does it make if I'm here or at yoga? Either way, the only thing they need me for this afternoon will be a snack.   But I still rushed home from class today just in case. 

My life revolves around the kids, as it should. But sometimes I just wish my kids would revolve around me!!

I fall into these ruts of being overwhelmed. There is so much laundry, the dishes need to be done, supper is late, the dog needs to be walked, I'm trying to figure out how to get to yoga, and maybe, just maybe I can manage to do some studying. But nope...I implode and end up doing none of it anyway. I try to stay home on nights my husband will be early, but even that backfires because he's burned out as much as I am and is usually asleep before the kids are.

Self-destruction, yep. Procrastination, most definitely.   Self-doubt, likely.....I dunno, maybe? Yes?  No? :-0

I even selfishly kept them out of afterschool activities until the new year so I can get my act together. But now, December is closing in and I feel no farther ahead!  Ah, then the stress-load of Christmas.  A holiday that is meant (for me) to be about spending time with friends and family, turns into a Christmas list the size of my arm, panic over what to buy, and how much to spend.  Yay! Fun!  I can't wait....

So, anyway, back to my sob-fest..........I went to class already feeling down. I'm not even flat on my back yet and there's a tear running down my face.  Then Estelle starts talking about having faith and I was like "SERIOUSLY"???  Does she live in my head?

I have no faith in my self today, I wish I did, I know someday I will but this morning I had none.  I know there are changes in my life that need to happen, and I know it's going to be tough, and what I really needed this morning was a gigantic hug and an "it's going to be ok".  Well, I may not have received a physical hug today, I did receive an emotional one from her words.  Again, like they were directed right at me. Tears rolled down my face as this beautiful song about keeping your faith played.  It was like the universe was saying "You will be fine".

So maybe it's just a PMS day, or maybe an actually A-HA moment, but on my drive home I cried, and cried, and cried, and it wasn't a pity party.  It was a complete moment of clarity, knowing that there will be days when my world feels like it's collapsing, but that doesn't mean I should give up. It means I should try harder to prove to myself on a daily basis that I am worth it.  I am worth MY time, I am worth a missed supper or two, I am worth telling the kids "Sorry, mommy's busy!". 

I tried to not go into the ugly-cry, I hope I kept it quiet.  Though one of these days I'm going to be crazy-psycho-crying-sobbing-girl if she keeps up these "moments" in class.

And to the girl behind me in class, who cried as well....I think you got it too.