You're not alone.

"Falling Apart in One Piece" by Stacy Morrison

An amazing (real) story about how Stacy struggles through her divorce.  I'm not sure why I even bought the book? (Mommy/Stepdad issues perhaps??)  I'm not divorced, I'm not planning a divorce (ask me again tomorrow!), I'm not being told that Todd wants a divorce...but I was just really drawn to the book. Plus it was in the clearance section so that's an obvious bonus ;-)

It's basically how her husband says, out of the blue, that he wants a divorce. She doesn't see it coming, doesn't know why, and it so confused and angry by it all. But as the time passes she begins to see more and more of how he saw the relationship and began to realize that no two people see their relationship the exact same way.

For example......one big part of our (Todd and I) frustrations is that Todd is very impulsive and I need to plan things out.  He'll, just on a whim, invite people over and I immediately begin to panic. It's not that I don't want the people over.  I just need to think it through first.  The house could be spotless and I could have prepared the best dinner in the world with plenty of leftovers and I'd still be stressed out.  Its a learned habit, too many years of living with my grandparents and having Mr. and Mrs. Worry hover over my every move. Also, I see it as "planning", he sees it as "needs medication".  On this one, we agree to disagree.

I know my mini-freak outs are not helping, I know it's not the end of the world but it still royally pisses me off when Todd does stuff like that.  BUT...I've also started to realize that it's a part of us, neither good nor bad.  He's not right, I'm not wrong.  If he wasn't impulsive, if he was as analytical as myself, imagine how boring  our lives would be??

T - "Um, should we maybe invite someone over this weekend"
W - "I don't know, do you think the house is clean enough and are we caught up on all our chores?"
T - "Hmmm, maybe we should think this through. Can we afford if it they want to do something?
      Will we be entertaining enough? Do people like us?
W - "OMG, I don't know either!!! Lets not do anything ok?"
T - "OK"

Wowzers...that sounds super awesome?!

Life would be very flat-lined if we both thought the same.  We parent differently, I'm a talk-it-through Mom and he's a because-I-said-so dad. Our idea of spending time with our families are different, I would see mine everyday if possible, he'd be more like once a week or so.  He's very generous with his time, I prefer to get something in return if I'm going to grace you with my presence!!  I get frustrated that he'll help someone over and over and over but when he needs help most of the time said person isn't available.  But then again I've spent years of wasted time trying to "help" a friend with a problem and it really got me nowhere and he never said anything to me about it. 

AHA moment #582, Todd bought a motorcycle. Nothing fancy, and he made a deal with another family member so it ended up not costing a huge amount.  I flipped...."OMFG, that money wasn't for bikes, it was to do something productive".  How dare he buy a bike?!  I would NEVER buy something so expensive without talking it over first.  NEVER!!!!  Oh well, except for the hundreds of dollars I'm spending on laser hair removal. But that doesn't count right? I never really fully explained how much it was going to cost but really that's for both of us, and I'm saving time AND money because I'll never have to shave again. Say it with me now...."That doesn't count!!!

Fine...it counts. Thanks for picking sides...

Well, I should explain...I'm still sorta pissed that he bought it without talking it over first, but the point of this is that I was ready to FLIP OUT on him for it but realized I was (sort of) doing the same thing and the thought had never crossed my mind that it was the same thing. Trust me, in the long run I wouldn't have gotten anywhere. Telling Todd he can't do something gets me nowhere...and I'm starting to see that as a good thing. I can't stand the ladies who tell their husbands what move to make and when to make it.  Worse...I can't stand the men who take it and give an "Ok honey".  Hey guys, put those big boy undies on !!

The point of my rant is that you cannot judge how or why someone does something. Whether it be your friend, your parent, or your spouse.  Their way isn't necessarily wrong, its just not how you would do it. 

***Side note for Todd....this does not mean you can invite people over whenever you want now***

Divorcing, newly married, stuck in a rut, content....either way, this book is a good read and gives you lots of insight on love and marriage.  And just know that no matter what you are going through...someone else is too. Talk it out and then maybe you'll begin to see how most of us all have some common threads to our marriages.  The good, the bad, the ugly...til death do us part. 
(Hopefully naturally, and nobody spending 25 to life...)