Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire...

I caved and bought a cell phone for my son for Christmas. Sort of like kill-two-birds....I want him to have one anyway so I can get ahold of him, and he wants one to not be the only kid in school without him so it's a win-win. I'm partially terrified that this is going to be the last time I see my son...between the Xbox, computer and cell phone he'll have no reason to leave the basement except for to eat supper.

He walks home from school, about 45 minutes (uphill both ways, with no shoes.)....so it's definitely a requirement. Plus he walks in the "North End"..........whoooooo.......so really I should provide him with a cell phone and a bullet proof vest.

Basically, I just want to be able to find him if necessary between school and home.  There have been a few days that I thought I would be nice and pick him up but I end up spending 45 minutes driving up and down the roads trying to find him.  He never seems to take the same route twice...I guess he's trying to fool the kidnappers or something because you can't track him if you tried.  Now, if they would actually come up with a tracking device implant that would make my life so much easier!

Point of this story...I bought the damn phone.

So I take the bag home and since I don't have time to wrap it, I throw it in my closet with plans to wrap it later on that night.  I go out for a few hours and when I get home Jeremy says "I found the phone".......WTF!?  Seriously???  What is wrong with my child?   Doesn't he know you NEVER admit to snooping, and you definitely never admit to finding Christmas presents!  His friend laughed his ass off telling me all about how Jeremy found the phone, and freaked and threw it to the back of the closet cause he thought he'd get in trouble.  You'd think the two of them would have come up with a master plan...

I'm not sure if he'll ever really get that there are these little things called.....lies.  He's been like this since birth.  I used to say "once Barney is over it's time for bed"....and like the good mommy I am I would forget about bedtime, and he would always come running to inform me that Barney was over.  I would go "oh, yeah, ok...bedtime"........and he'd lose his mind!  Why he never figured out to just keep quiet is beyond me.  I'm sure he could have squeezed out at least an hour or two before I remembered.  Of course because I was busy baking, and cleaning, and ironing shirts...

Don't be fooled.  He lies...like "I'm not sure why there's a bag of popcorn dumped all over the floor, it must have walked itself downstairs to the food free zone and dumped itself". But they are usually only to get himself out of cleaning, or having to help out. He gets annoyed that I screen my calls, thinks its wrong to say "I don't have kids" when the creepy door-to-door photographer tries to sell us portrait settings, and don't get me started on trying to lie to people when he's around, he'll correct you...and it's embarrassing.  Nothing like having to prep your child that you are about to tell a lie and he needs to shut his mouth...

Not that I would encourage him to lie...but again..........what the hell is wrong with him?!  I knew most of my Christmas presents weeks before Christmas but I never went running to Mom to tell her I knew what I was getting. The whole point of snooping is to not get caught.  It's not like I would ever admit that I used to pull the tape back ever-so-gently so I could see what was inside the wrapping.  It's not like I would ever call myself out like that....what?  Ahhh...shit.  Sorry Mommy!!

It would be like snooping through the medicine cabinet at a friend's house (we all do it, come on!!) and then saying "ah, I see you have hemorroids...that sucks!".  Or telling your boss that you looked at their pay stub while they weren't looking and now you're really expecting a bonus.  Who flat out tells their mother that they found a Christmas present?!?

He didn't even have to lie, he just needed to neglect to tell me....how hard is that?

Lies come in handy...whether it's to get out of a speeding ticket, or saying "Oh yes that was great for me too"......a little white lie never hurt anyone.

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.

After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and

 I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me.

"Sweetheart," she gently chided,

"this is not the Internet."