New Site

www.pigeonposeemotions.com

Drugs?! What Drugs???

1 Surgery
Tonsillectomy & UPPP
10+ Days Recovery
Liquid Narcotics
72 Tylenol pills
Antibiotics
Ice packs
Me
A Camera
&
Boredom

Here you go...

  
   

That Girl

For most of my life I've never been able to properly vocalize my thoughts or my feelings. As a teenager is came out in pure rage (sorry Mom).  As a young adult, it was often a complete mental shut down. Denial? Inability to just deal? The lack of knowing how to actually spit out the words that bounced around in my head?!

I'm the girl that lets the jerk cut in front of me in the grocery line because maybe he just didn't mean to. I'm the girl who never asks for the change back if a waitress doesn't offer it. I'm the girl who doesn't speak up in meetings because I know nobody gives a shit what I have to say. I'm the girl who knows her husband is lying to her everyday but still stays for a miserable ten years. I'm the girl who has daddy issues but still struggles to realize it's not MY fault. I'm the girl who lets her 'friends' walk all over her. I'm the girl who just shuts her mouth and takes it. And I'm the girl who has anxiety about all of the above.

I am that girl.
I am that girl.
I am that girl.

I used to be that girl...
I am not that girl...
I am not that girl...
I am not that girl...

I am the girl who says "Excuse me sir, I was here first". I am the girl who doesn't care any more that it's just $1.00...bitch, give me my money. I am the girl who runs the meeting like a pimp. I'm the girl who left because I knew I deserved better. I am the girl who's getting better at realizing it really isn't MY fault. I am the girl, who without the need to explain or justify, has cut you right out of my life because you know exactly what you did and it stung my soul.

I am the girl who is finding her way.
I am that girl...

Waiting for Perfection

It's not uncommon to find me sitting on the floor in a pile of books in the middle of the self-help section at Chapters. That place is my temple. My safe haven. My glorious happy place.  I'm always on the hunt for that one book that will change my life forever.

I just read...actually, devoured "Let the Elephants RUN" by David Usher.

And, sweet baby elephants on fire...I'm positive he wrote it just for me.

"Stop looking at creativity as the lottery 

that someone else won at birth" ~ David Usher

Everyone with even an ounce of doubt in themselves should read this book.

That's all...

Walk The Line

Do you know how much it sucks to post about your private life, only to have it completely implode on you within days/weeks/months of your post.  There's this fine line of trying to decide if it's worth it to let life play out in words or if it's best to just keep it private to save the torture of everyone knowing your joy and pain as it's happening in real life. 

I just spent a few hours going thru my old blog posts and had this panicked feeling of wanting to delete all the posts that no longer applied. You know the ones..."OMG, I love my husband"...nah, shit, we're getting a divorce...."OMG, I loooove my new boyfriend"...nah, wait...we broke up too.  FML...it's so embarrassing. You're so sure of something one day, then two months later you look back and wonder what the fuck what wrong with you?! There's days that I'm actually convinced that writing about my life somehow jinxes my life. 

So here I sit, glass of wine in hand, debating if it's worth it to unleash my soul to the world anymore. I fret over the content of what I want to say vs what I think I should say. I tend to censor myself as to not offend 'so-and-so'.  Maybe it's getting older and realizing whats actually important in life? I'm 33, and it's stupid that I give a shit about who I'm appealing to on social media.  I started this bastard of a blog as a fun way to journal my yoga experiences.  Over two years it's turned into some demon that chases me in my dreams.  

I'm an open book in real life.  Ye ask and ye shall be told.  I don't know why it bothers me so much more to be honest via the cyber world.  Maybe it's paranoia, maybe it's realizing that not everyone needs to know your business.  Either way...I'm taking a step back from vomiting out my heart and soul.  Maybe some things are best kept private. Maybe in two weeks I'll forget I wrote this and blabber on about life all over again.  Who knows?! All I know for sure, at this very moment, is that I'm the happiest I have ever been. Like EVER.  And I don't want to ruin that. 

For now, without hesitation...I sign off, not knowing if I'll be back or not.  And I'm ok with that.

Those Eyes, That Smile, That Laugh

If you're enough fortunate in life, you meet people who make your soul happy with their mere presence. Throughout the years of knowing Estelle, she has pushed me further in my soul searching journey than she will ever truly know. Y'all know I love me some Estelle time.

It began with her guiding me through the ups and downs of the physical and emotional aspects of yoga as my yoga teacher. She's brought me to tears, full on ugly cries a few times, and has really help me find some inner peace. While I don't practice yoga as often anymore (and yes I know, I know...I should), when I do, it's general because of something she said or did to make me want to do it. Whether it was directly or indirectly...she's always a part of my practice.

Estelle has always been a supporter of the true me. She knew how much my writing means to me, I don't think I've ever had a conversation with her that didn't end in her telling me to blog more! She knows how much interest I have in pursuing my doula dream and has enough faith in me to run yoga/labour workshops together with me.

You can't help but love her.

She spreads the joy, and you can especially see that in her children. Whether it's in pictures or in real life, Estelle's children ooze joy. Much like their mom, their eyes are so wise and full of happiness. I've only had a handful of experiences with her children...but let me tell you, each and every one is a memory I will carry with me for life. Watching her youngest, Tommy, fight so hard for each day was always so inspiring. Watching him grown from a tiny micro-preemie to a young little toddler brought a smile to my face every time I learned of a new milestone he'd accomplished.

Little Tommy left the world this week after two year of life, and I am devastated to know that my friend Estelle would have to suffer such a loss.  It is an unfair world we live in. But I also know that if Estelle was to teach a lesson about this loss, it would be that each day with your family and loved ones should never be taken for granted. We should love each other to the fullest and never, ever lose the appreciation for life. There's always something great to explore or learn each and every day. As the song goes, 'We're here for a good time, not a long time'.

This little guy, who had eyes that could melt your soul, a smile that was contagious and a laugh that would make a grown man giggle like a school girl, will never be forgotten.

You can't help but feel the joy Tommy brought to this world. May the happy spirit and love for life Tommy exuded put some perspective into your life TODAY.

#TommyTinkerForever

My Way or The Highway

In the last two days, I have seen two separate "Mommy Bashings" posts on Facebook in reference to disciplining little asshole toddlers...I mean sweet little bastards...wait, that's still not right...how to discipline your developing children.

Can I just say this...unless somehow MY child's behaviour is affecting your life then maybe you should just back off and see that just like there are two sides to every story, there are (at least) two different ways to be a good parent.  Why is your way the right way? Maybe your way worked for you, and your children, but maybe that way doesn't work for me and my children.  Or even better, maybe I've tried your way, and every other know-it-all's way and that didn't work either.  Maybe my child isn't as smart as your child, or as advanced.  Or maybe, your kid is the dumb one and mine needs a more creative and strategic way of learning.  Just kidding...all kids are equally dumb. No worries.

Let's start with being pregnant.  Do this. Don't do that. Ughhh...you CANNOT be eating sushi?! Did you just touch the kitty litter box?! You mean you aren't doing every single prenatal class available?  Did you smoke AND drink during the first three months cause you weren't tracking your period daily and didn't know you were pregnant yet? OMG. You could KILL your unborn child that way.
Worst pregnant person ever.

You used an epidural?? That's not natural. Why would you want a drug-free birth?? That's so unnatural. You're NOT going to breastfeed?! Cover those boobs! Why are you covering your boobs?!
You DIDN'T hire a doula?! Dumbass...(Soo, I agree with this one, but whatevs!)
Worst new mommy ever.

The little demons aren't even a few hours old and you've already been bombarded with a thousand things you did "wrong" during the nine months YOU grew them. Wouldn't it be nice to just get a "good job" now and then?

I'm going to let you in on a little secret...it doesn't get better. As if the mommy-guilts aren't bad enough anyway, you will now continue to get the mommy-bashing from this point til they reach college. Maybe it will stop then if you manage to not raise a sociopath serial killer. And if you DID raise one of those, well obviously you did something horribly wrong right?!  Cause I'm sure all parents of serial killers intended to raise them as such.

I wish we lived in a world where we could all just be supportive and believe that parents are just honestly trying their best. My best might be different than yours but it's still MY best. Maybe I am raising my children the way I was raised. Maybe I'm raising them the complete opposite of how I was raised. Maybe, just maybe, I'm seriously trying my hardest to just do my 'job' and get my kids to 18 years old without permanently damaging them for life.

If only...

Toddler time...I would never let MY child do that. I would never let MY child do that. If I was you I would do this. If I was you I wouldn't do that.  He still has a bottle?! She's still in diapers?!? MY toddler is a genius. MY toddler is soooo polite (even though you have to remind them each and every time). MY toddler would never...

Guess what?! I've said it before...toddlers are assholes. And yes, your toddler is an asshole too.  But as mommies, we are blinded by our own spawns assholery and clearly only see the assholery of others.
EVERY child will, at some point, throw a tantrum in a public place, steal a toy from another child, bite you, hit you, and the vast majority will even risk their own lives by defiantly saying NO for the millionth time. Your perfect little toddler is no different than the rest.  If you think they are somehow an idealistic little breed of their own then you are clearly over-medicated on clonazepam and are still in a fog.

The difference between your devil-spawn and mine is their personalities.  Some toddlers are quieter, some may be able to play well by themselves. I know a few who rarely cry. Some are more outgoing, more talkative, and more stubborn.  There are rarely two toddlers who are the exact same. So why would we all have the exact parenting tactics?

Can't we all just agree that as long as no laws are being broken that we are all just trying our best? Despite the 1000's of books on raising the perfect child, there are no rules when it comes to parenting the best way you know how. The very last thing a stressed out parent needs is to feel the wrath of a social media attack.

Maybe next time, instead of pointing out someone's "flaw", you take the time to find something you actually admire about the way they are raising their kids.  Instead of saying 'you're doing that wrong', how about 'you're doing this right'...